12.11.201927.05.2017

The purpose of the book is to explain the reasons for the behavior of such people and show how they need to be contacted in order to reduce the degree of tension. The author earnestly requests that this information be used only for peaceful purposes, and not for making insulting diagnoses. Treat colleagues with empathy and understanding, try to make communication as fruitful as possible.

And now let's get acquainted with the world of eccentrics. Let's start with narcissists - the main candidates for "nuts" at work. These are emotional, defiant, eccentric, self-centered and unpredictable people. But what lies behind the mask of self-confidence?

Who are narcissists

We need faith in ourselves and our capabilities in order to dream, plan for the future, set goals and achieve them. But an over-inflated ego is extreme. Surely you have met people who are completely unable to take criticism, fixated on themselves, arrogant, arrogant and smug.

The narcissist gives the impression of a person who is confident in his superiority over the rest. He always talks only about himself, his merits and achievements, he is not interested in other people. Considering himself underestimated, he is always waiting for praise, asking for compliments and trying to get others to finally recognize his outstanding qualities.

The narcissist can talk endlessly about himself: “I have done this”, “I have this”, “I am going to get something”. He seems to be calling: “Pay attention to me!”

Sometimes narcissistic employees become completely uncontrollable: they can insult colleagues, raise their voices, throw objects in fits of anger and at the same time feel no guilt.

All the actions of such people are aimed at inflating self-esteem. By putting others down, they feel more important. By blaming others for their failures, they get rid of doubts about their own competence. For narcissists, the very idea that they can be wrong about something is unbearable.

Oddly enough, such a model of behavior is formed on the basis of strong self-doubt. Imagine what a narcissist's childhood could have been like. Probably, status and achievement were most valued in his family. Parents set the bar too high for him, constantly criticized him for not meeting the ideal, and forgot about the most important thing - the emotional support of the child.

Deep down, narcissists are very vulnerable. Their behavior is a defensive reaction that allows them to preserve their fragile self-esteem and emphasize their own importance. They are afraid that they will not live up to expectations and will turn out to be not so wonderful at all. Hence the sharp rejection of any criticism, belittling other people's merits, resentment, outbursts of rage and a desire to be in the spotlight.

No matter how confident they look, their behavior does not bring them joy. Internal struggle, dissatisfaction, emptiness - that's what they live with.

The narcissist may take credit for the successes achieved by the whole team, and, on the contrary, shift the blame for failures to others. He is able to quickly climb the career ladder, as he easily convinces everyone of his professionalism. But working with such a boss is incredibly difficult. In a leadership position, he behaves as if there are only two points of view: his and the wrong one.

A narcissistic leader may yell, intimidate, violate job descriptions, and behave unfairly. He is sure that he has every right to do so, -

In pursuit of high status, the narcissist may curry favor with management and seek favor by all means. influential people. For the same reason, he breaks off old acquaintances if he considers that they harm his reputation (for example, having received a promotion, he stops dining in the company of former colleagues).

Hostility, arrogance and arrogance are traits common to most narcissists. But sometimes narcissistic people show themselves in a completely different way. For example, they spend a lot of time making friends with colleagues. However, their goal is still the same - to endlessly inflate their own self-esteem. They too obsessively seek the sympathy and approval of others, try to please everyone, constantly talk about themselves and wait for assurances of their impeccability. The problem is that this behavior annoys everyone.

How to deal with narcissists

So, what to do if you recognize your colleague in this description? There are several strategies to reduce stress when dealing with a narcissist:

1. Do not skimp on compliments, praise this person, celebrate the merits and achievements, emphasize his importance. Of course, without any irony. By fueling the narcissist's ego, you can avoid insults and sudden outbursts of anger from him. Be prepared for concessions. Remember: such a colleague is able to make life hell for anyone who dares to object to him.

2. If you want to reprimand him or ask for something, wrap your words in a compliment. For example, you can remind them of deadlines like this: “I can’t wait until Thursday to finally see your presentation! You must have a lot interesting ideas". And so to hint at inappropriate behavior: “Your performance was very informative. You've laid it all out nicely. But maybe you shouldn't have called all of your colleagues' questions stupid. It offends people and prevents them from absorbing the important information that you want to convey to them.

When communicating with a narcissist, it is necessary to soften criticism with something positive, otherwise he will see in your words only an insult and a threat to his self-esteem.

3. Pay more attention to it. Don't forget to wish him good morning and have a good weekend, because the lack of interest in his person can also be perceived as an insult. In addition, respond immediately to his requests. Ignoring a letter from a narcissist or not going into his office at the first call is a sure way to ruin your relationship with him. No matter how annoying you are that you are forced to indulge him, it is better than to endure harassment, humiliation and other vengeful antics later.

Keep your emotions in check and try to avoid spontaneous reactions when dealing with a narcissist.

5. Although the narcissist is not interested in the emotions of others, try to explain to him how he affects people. It is important not to blame him, but to say something like: “Can you imagine how she felt at the moment when you called her an empty head? What if someone told you so? Offer to look at the situation through the eyes of another person. This sometimes works, especially if you insert a remark between pleasantries.

6. Show the narcissist that no one expects perfection from him. It can be noted that he is engaged in a really complex project. At the same time, it is important not to single him out from the team and not give him reason to feel underestimated. For example, say casually: “We are all a little nervous about these deadlines. Personally, I’m worried that I won’t be able to cope with everything.” Hearing such a phrase, he will experience relief and weaken his self-defense.

7. Try to transfer the narcissist to a position where short-term human contact is expected. He can be quite successful in sales and consulting where there is a steady stream of clients. For him, this is better than being surrounded all the time by those who are forced to endure his terrible character every day.

8. If the situation has gone too far (for example, to throwing stools), the manager must clearly explain to the narcissist that such behavior is unacceptable and the next conflict is fraught with problems - demotion, reduction in salary, and even dismissal. In some cases, the only correct solution- part with a problematic employee.

Each of us has the ability to contribute to a healthy work environment. You may be insanely annoyed by someone's behavior, but always ask yourself if you've tried to make things better. Sometimes elementary sympathy for a person is enough to see everything in a different light.

P.S. Your negative reaction may mean that you yourself have traits that you dislike in others. If certain people evoke too strong emotions in you, do not forget to look in the mirror.

To be continued…

How often did an accusation fly into your head after a coffee cup: “You only think about yourself! Egoist! Narcissus!"? Now, instead of getting into an argument with another woman who thinks you're narcissistic, just slip her this article. Believe me, she has no idea what real selfishness is.

I live with a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). What does it mean? First, it took a lot of effort for me not to put my real name under this article. After all, even a repentant story about how unbearable I am for my relatives would flatter my sick pride. Second: just me (okay, and another 1% of the male population developed countries) truly have the right to be called a narcissist and an egoist. (From the administrator: according to the most modest statistics, 5%, but more and more often it is said that this figure is underestimated and we are dealing with an epidemic) My diagnosis is, in fact, the medical definition of egoism.

I brought to depression - real, clinical - two of my failed wives. (From adm.: poor thing) Therapists are reluctant to work with me, afraid of hurting their own psyche in the first place. (From adm.: Yes, you are a real monster, unrealistically cool). I need to take pills just to not act like a scum (and yes, at the end of the article I will reveal the secret of what these wonderful pills are). And I will also pass on my egoism by inheritance with a gigantic probability. Like this. (From adm.: poor thing) And what your women are offended by is most likely a healthy indifference, well, or is there the usual redneck ... (From adm.: You are rare, special, yeah)

Here's my confession. If you find the same thing - welcome to the ranks of NRL carriers! If not, then thank God, believe me.

5 Signs You Have NPD

All this information can, in principle, be gleaned from the Internet, but I have flourished it with examples ... In addition, not a single real egoist voluntarily admits that he is sick and does not get into the Internet to read something supposedly about himself. At least not before the onset of personality decompensation, when the disease itself becomes a self-object ... stop! My five signs are also different in that I do not use Clever words which are really only confusing.

Sign 1. Do you have empathy issues?

Sympathy, willingness to help, concern for others - not that the owner of the NRL was completely deprived of all this. The narcissist understands what his interlocutor is thinking (sometimes better than himself). But - it understands, but does not feel! Putting yourself in the place of another person is already an impossible task for him. For example, I usually know that they are worried about me. I can see that they are not happy with me. However, the emotions of the interlocutor, whether it be a girlfriend, cohabitant or even a mother, are an empty phrase for me. I do not experience TOGETHER with people. And therefore I cannot “discharge” them - give them what they achieve by expressing this or that emotion. To say what they want to hear from me, I still somehow can. But to support a quarrel with screams, when a person wants to scream ... Or stroke his hair and pat on the shoulder ... I don’t know how. If only by chance.

At the same time, I'm not some cracker with whiskey with ice instead of a heart, like Kai from a children's fairy tale. I can cry over The Green Mile and The Lion King, I can be restless when it's two in the morning and someone doesn't answer the phone and I don't know where. But in order to feel anxiety for another, I have to “wind”, “tighten” or, as they say, “irritate” myself. But even then my emotions are only an appearance, a tribute to social etiquette. I really don't care. Even when the little lion cub tugs on his dead dad's ear and cries, "Get up, let's go!"

I am by no means proud of this feature of my psyche. I'm ashamed of her. And by the way…

Sign 2. You often feel ashamed

Not guilt, but shame - this is important! Because guilt is when you're having fun in the family bed with an intern from the legal department, and your wife suddenly walks in the door. And shame is when you are having fun on the same bed with the same trainee, your wife is definitely in Istanbul, but the thought is still in your head: “What am I doing? What if the wife comes in ?!

Shame is always mixed with fear: "What will they think of me?" They laugh nearby, and you tensed up: isn’t it over you? This is a typical manifestation of NPD ... In the early stages of the disorder, shame and fear provoke only real failures or strong feelings on the topic "have I pierced." So, it is difficult for a novice narcissist to cheat on his wife: shame is so strong that it can cause erectile dysfunction (leave it out of the box, how do I know this).

It's hard to take criticism. It's hard to hear jokes addressed to you, even the most harmless ones. For example, I still remember all the jokes addressed to me over the past 20 years! Especially one. At work, someone asked: “There is someone’s book “How to live with a small penis” on the table, Igor, yours?” It is clear that such a book does not exist. It is clear that even if she had been lying on the table, she would not have been mine. But the instantly rolling shame “what if someone thinks that this is true” does not go away for years, destroying the psyche. Narcissus is first and foremost a Samoyed. A seemingly cynical snake that secretly constantly eats its own tail.

If treatment is not started in time, the disorder drags its owner into such a black thicket of shame, where any stump begins to seem like a terrible monster. Simply put, over time, you begin to react painfully to the most innocent remarks. You stop doing something for fear of making a mistake and feeling ashamed of a future puncture. You drive the intern out into the street in the middle of the night in only her underwear and throw the family sheets into the wash - although no one even stained them that evening ...

Worse, the realization that you are entangled in the chains of shame itself begins to provoke shame: what if someone finds out that I am helpless and cannot cope with myself? This recursion can continue indefinitely.

Sign 3. You can't conflict

In essence, this is a consequence of the features already listed. The narcissist all the time, on the one hand, does not guess other people's emotions, and on the other hand, he tries to understand what they think about him. This creates an insidious, albeit rather stupid, trap. Narcissus, as our president's speechwriter would say, is a typical "tolerant". He is able to marry an unloved woman. Travel to hateful relatives. Bend under a stupid boss. And all this - out of fear that they will think badly about him when he tries to change the situation. A person with NPD is afraid of being thrown in the face with an “ungrateful pig!” - and as a result endures such treatment of himself, which turns out to be more traumatic than rebellion, conflict.

On the other hand, when the narcissist nevertheless finds himself in a situation where he does not depend on the opinion of the conditional “opponent”, he brings down on him such anger that he did not deserve! Luckily I'm still at the beginning adulthood realized that asserting itself at the expense of the waiters "is not cool." However, before the start of treatment, I often caught myself talking too rudely with a taxi driver or secretary. Yes, and domestic despotism was not alien to me ... Fortunately, this is one of the most easily corrected symptoms. Unfortunately, he is not the only one.

Sign 4. You are always dissatisfied with something

This feeling should not be confused with perfectionism, a craving for excellence. A perfectionist has a clear ideal, a plan, a scheme in his head. For example: an article about NPD should be six pages long, five signs should be listed, then the treatment regimen, etc. Having imagined such an ideal, a perfectionist will be dissatisfied with himself only if he cannot achieve it. “Well, Danila-master, doesn’t a stone flower come out?” is perfectionism.

At the same time, the narcissist, the clinical egoist, is dissatisfied in principle. Not only by the results of your work, but also by everyone around you - and first of all by yourself. Salary, sporting achievements, another girlfriend's foot size - all this irritates and even infuriates the narcissist, not because "it could be better." And because of the constant awareness that it can be OTHERWISE. You have probably experienced this feeling in its small manifestations. For example, when you are trailing in the tail of a half-dead traffic jam, it always seems that the next row is going a little better, a little faster. Here you go. And I always have. For any reason. Yes, I'm dating a model. Well, he could - with a gymnast! Not that the model is bad ... Although ...

Everything that the narcissist has already achieved is instantly devalued. Everything that cannot be obtained right now, on the contrary, is idealized. I am like a child who was let into a toy store and told: take what you want, but you can take one thing. Any situation of choice destroys the psyche. Makes me wonder if I made the wrong choice.

Most often, the narcissist begins to "sort out" women. Why - science does not yet know. Personality disorder guru Nancy McWilliams believes that the narcissist cripples the psyche of women because he does not know how to get rid of them in time. To extend the toy analogy, you love your new car. But you know, they won't buy you a new one until this one breaks. And as soon as feelings for the toy begin to weaken, you break it yourself in order to get a new one faster. There is even a name for this: Don Juan syndrome. Of course, not every womanizer is a narcissist. However, if this is so - well, as they say, lock up your daughters ...

Sign 5. You don't have a true inner self

The most terrible secret that is unlikely to be revealed to you at the first session of psychotherapy. All of the above signs are, in essence, symptoms, side effects. But the fifth sign is the root of the disorder. And the secret lies in the fact that there really is no narcissist! ..

That is, there is nothing inside the personality that would constitute its core. The narcissist is brought up (see below) in such conditions that in the place that in other adults is occupied by his own "I", he has a black hole, a funnel closed on itself. An emptiness that feeds self-doubt - and a doubt that sucks everything good and good out of the emptiness. The whole life of a narcissist is an illusion. All the objects of his pride are the external attributes of fame, wealth, success.

In psychiatry, this is called the "external locus of self-esteem." Not being able - at least without treatment - to be proud of himself and love himself, the narcissist creates the so-called self-objects. These are completely external things, people, phenomena with which the carrier of NPD associates himself. "I work in a cool design bureau" - instead of "I'm a designer." “And this is me in front of my car” - instead of just “and this is me.” "I'm dating a gymnast" - instead of "thank you, s personal life I'm fine". All of these are typical NRL formulations.

For the time being, creating dozens of such self-objects is easy. Narcissus can even give the impression of a super-successful minion of fate and almost a child prodigy. Ah, he is the winner of Olympiads in seven subjects! Ah, he was awarded such and such a medal at the age of fifteen! Ah, he is the youngest winner of anything in history! Don't be deceived: these are all just attempts to fill a void. At some point, the mechanism for creating self-objects breaks down - this becomes the moment when a recently healthy narcissist (there are some, although this is a temporary stage) gets upset.

This is where the name of the disease comes from. As you probably remember from Kuhn's book "Myths Ancient Greece”, Narcissus’s problem was not just that he fell in love with his reflection and died from it. Self-admiration is still half the trouble. In fact, Narcissus was under a curse: he was doomed to love an object that was unable to return his love! So appreciate the evil wit of the psychotherapists who came up with the name for my disorder. I idealize objects, pump them up with my self-esteem - and as a result I create a false "I", based, for example, on work, money, relationships, well-being.

And then, at the very first crisis, I understand that all these years there was a cold something in front of me, flowing through my fingers along with my self-esteem.

How is it treated

First and foremost, under the supervision of a doctor! Self-medication is generally contraindicated in personality disorders, and even more so in narcissistic ones. Besides, not a single dealer, let alone wine supermarkets, will still have the assortment of magical elixirs that a psychiatrist owns.

Take at least alimemazine antipsychotics. Of course, this is not the best assistant in business: the feeling is that carpet bombing was suddenly allowed in a pillow fight - and you were covered with about three tons of caked fluff. There is fog in the eyes, the head is wadded, the movements are slow. But! No Don Juan syndrome (such nonsense as women simply does not bother, except in a dream - if you suddenly forget to take an evening pill). No sense of shame. And most importantly, no desire to attract attention to yourself, to get a surrogate for love: no tricks, no scandals, no self-criticism, no accomplishments ... Hmmm, a miserable semblance of a former life. But I warned you: you better not find signs of NPD in yourself.

Of course, neuroleptics alone are not enough. Following them, antidepressants, nootropics, and psychostimulants are sent into the furnace of a broken body. The complexity of the cocktail and the intensity of intraday sensations depend on whether you still need to work in the process of treatment - or you prudently sold your assets or simply quit with an entry in your work: "Due to extreme intolerance" ...

One way or another, the pharmacological period is only a prelude to a long and mutual brainstorming, which you will be doing with a psychotherapist in the next year (minimum). At the same time, it is pointless to choose a prettier specialist, because in a couple of months he will probably refuse you anyway. But maybe the second or third will sooner or later discover the cause of the disorder, which - no surprise here - most likely dates back to childhood. In my treatment, this moment has not yet arrived. Therefore, I am still able to write with narcissism about my sore.

How to water daffodils

Since NPD begins in childhood, I recommend reading Alice Miller's Gifted Child Drama: even healthy man he will find himself in it, and the book is read almost faster than the instructions for an air freshener. Miller believes that narcissism in a healthy, rudimentary form is characteristic of most children. Using their example, we will consider how to deal with small narcissistic bastards so that big bastards and intractable bastards do not grow out of them.

If a child shows signs of narcissism, the worst thing you can do with him is to start loving, encouraging and praising him not just like that, but for SOMETHING. “What, you’re not a man, can’t you cast a lure normally?”, “If you don’t wash behind your ears, not a single girl will even look at you”, “Well, how many fives did you bring today?” These and similar phrases get stuck like nails not only in the brain, but also in the lid of the coffin. A coffin in which the true "I" of the future narcissist will writhe in agony. Just love a child. Whatever he brought from school, even chlamydia.
Play ahead of the narcissist. If a child brings you a plasticine craft or shouts: “Dad, look how I can” and “Mom, mom, I masturbate without hands!” - that means it's a mess. He ALREADY didn't get any attention. Do you remember the feeling of shame and eternal discontent? Giving compliments to a narcissist only when he himself asks for them will only give him reason to suspect that he is doing something WRONG. They don't praise me?.. Maybe I'm doing the wrong thing? Maybe I'm not crying out loud enough for lack of attention? Maybe something needs to be blown up in this house so that dad can break away from the TV and chase me a little? .. If you “water” a narcissist without waiting for him to dry, his craving for self-expression can be channeled into a healthy direction.
The narcissist needs to be taught to speak in time. Not in the sense of all sorts of “but how does the cow speak? That's right: mu-mu. We are talking about a more complex process of articulating emotions. When you talk to a child who is a candidate for NPD, a complex bouquet of shame, resentment, conspiracy theories, dissatisfaction (with himself and you), fear and a thirst for greatness ALWAYS blooms in his head. If you teach a child to freely express these feelings already at the age of 7–10–12, you will save the life of not only him, but also that poor fellow, whom he would eventually bring to depression. The main thing is to show that the child HAS the RIGHT to resentment, anger, jealousy, disobedience. Remind more often that people may not always be good. Moreover, they SHOULD NOT be like that. If the narcissist learns to love not only his beautiful reflection in the water, but also the back of his head and his hairy back, this will save him. Well, or at least delay the first intake of alimemazine for a couple of years ...

Well, what about adult daffodils, you ask? How to be with the narcissistic girlfriend? Well, in fact, she will have to be dealt with in the same way as with a painfully self-obsessed child. With one difference: from a woman, unlike a child, you can escape in time. And that is exactly what I recommend you do if you suspect that you have come across a genuine narcissist. Jokes aside.

Growing up children of narcissists are very much oriented towards the opinions of others. At the same time, it seems to them that others think badly of them, see their inferiority. And if, suddenly, they are treated well, then they just haven’t yet seen the catch and terrible negative qualities. Or they just lie to hurt you.

As has been written and said more than once, living with daffodils is not a joy. It is especially unhappy for a child to live in a family where there is at least one daffodil. The second parent can also be a narcissist, because few people can maintain a relationship with this personality type enough long time. Individuals who have grown up next to narcissists are called co-narcissists. Those. those that are "attached" to the narcissist are an integral part of them.

Co-narcissists are people who grew up next to narcissists.

A child's personality is formed under constant conditions of neglect from parents, but with a regular bombardment of his self-esteem and self-perception. This is to ensure that the narcissistic parent maintains their own perception of grandeur and grandiosity.

You can’t argue here, he is smarter, more skilled in social communication and physically stronger. To this, usually, the parent adds other fantasy qualities and facts from the past, with which the child is regularly reproached. The parent keeps saying that at the age at which the child is now, he was many times better in all areas. But the child came out unsightly.

In such families, it is customary to "ground the child." First, offer him to do something, and when everything really starts to work out for him, the child is happy and proud of himself, tell him that the product of his activity is complete. “I thought that your hands were growing from a soft spot. There was NOTHING to even start.”

Over time, the child tries not to catch the eye of his parents at all, so as not to rake for something. Moreover, it’s never clear why you’re raking b. He is sure that he does everything badly, and for this he is punished. Such children have a couple of tried and tested strategies that allow their parents to like him without running into a scandal. Any deviation from this algorithm threatens with a catastrophe.

At a certain age, parental words are the child's only source of knowledge about himself. Basically, in the dry residue, the belief “I am nothing” is formed. This attitude towards oneself, as a rule, subsequently remains for many years and leaves its mark on the whole future life.

Growing up children of narcissists are very much oriented towards the opinions of others. At the same time, it seems to them that others think badly of them, see their inferiority. And if, suddenly, they are treated well, then they just haven’t yet seen the catch and terrible negative qualities. Or they just lie to hurt you.

they are rigid in communication. They try to please safely, “probe” the interlocutor, whether he is annoyed by their presence.
at the slightest sign of negativity, even if they have nothing to do with a co-narcissist, or a mismatch, resentment and escape.
in general they are very touchy, any word in a conversation can be attributed to oneself and become discouraged. There may be another reaction - aggression, tears.
constantly absorbed in themselves and the analysis of their feelings and experiences, which are in the nature of "chewing" thoughts. They endlessly dig into themselves something terrible, shameful, twist their findings in their heads for weeks, or even years. They are looking for “crystal clarity” of what is happening, but as a rule, they very quickly stray from productive work to empty psychological fermentation in a circle.
blame others for their misadventures. They, co-narcissists, of course, are insignificant, defective, but others are to blame for this. This is often true, but the facts of child abuse are excessive and constantly chewed up, pulled on any situation. Didn't they give you candy? This is because childhood was unhappy.
those people who act out of tune with their desires and needs become villains in their eyes. Co-narcissists often think of the terrible intentions and thoughts of others. Co-narcissists are masters of self-winding and developing the theme of inner shame. In their head, at any free moment, a fantasy or a memory unfolds, how shameful and shameful it was. This can be very ingenious. Even a neutral event can turn out to be a terrible failure, for which it is infinitely ashamed.
they have a hard time with empathy. Only those in whom they see their experiences can empathize. At the same time, emotions are extremely deep, even with complete identification of oneself with suffering.
it is very difficult for them to take responsibility for themselves and their lives. As a child, it was useless. Because no matter how you turn, you will still be bad. It's better to be bad on the spot. Simply terry and seasoned self-sabotage is connected with this.
they seek ideal relationships with others so that their needs are constantly and accurately met. They need an over-approving person to constantly talk to about the horrors of childhood, about what a co-narcissist might have become if not for their parents. Any proposals to somehow do something already, to start changing are considered as a betrayal.

The changes are pretty hard. It is not easy to work with such people. After the stage of analysis of cases of domestic violence, a person can go into a deaf defense and get out of it after a very long period of time. Partly because being a victim of child abuse can be a relief in his situation. After all, it was not me who was bad, but my parents. Any movement forward can threaten with new disappointments. Moving is scary, much scarier than being stuck in a zone of despair and resentment towards your parents.

But, a necessary step in solving this problem is to start taking responsibility for your life. Take action and make choices. Gain your own experience and evaluate yourself by the results of actions. This is the growing up that did not happen in childhood and must be passed through.published.

Natalia Stilson

Created based on the materials of two channels on YouTube.
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCruHGkgUgOZNVCOo8JHQQtA
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCB7LCzHOUccsEnPBUsUzbkw
this is not advertising, I don't know these people, just useful information.

"Keep track of how many times you've been in a victim state today.

keep track of whether you are the mistress of your life now or a victim.

no need to try - you need to take and do.

if you see a narcissist in every man, this is exclusively your internal reading of the people around you. if you are slipping into depression, you must so fill your life with activity, colors and interests that you do not have time to sit in depression".

What to do with these daffodils and with yourself?

1. isolate yourself from him as quickly as possible. cut off all contact. This The best way. if you stay, getting out of a long-term relationship completely healthy is unrealistic.
2. if you decide to stay - take responsibility that you stayed and that you will be used and not considered a living person. you will be devalued-exalted-devalued, violate personal boundaries and use manipulation. your emotional state will be shaken.
3. always think who benefits? I benefit from what he wants from me? many victims try to please narcissists, and this is the victim's problem, not the narcissist's. the narcissist simply asserts himself at the expense of those who try to please him, and for several years you have shown him that you can feel like a king at the expense of you. if you do not beat on the hands - over time, he will be more and more selfish, because his needs are growing and his appetites have no bottom.
4. Recognize and change the behavior pattern that keeps you running into narcissists. usually the victim unknowingly exhibits behaviors that narcissists are drawn to. analyze also your childhood: what model of behavior your parents formed.
5. do not compare them with others in favor of these others - this will cause anger and further revenge. Narcissists are afraid of comparisons. Very.
6. Narcissists are afraid of losing their super power to manipulate you. it is better not to resist, but to cunningly play along, forgetting about them as soon as they leave the room. narcissists are afraid of shame, and if you immerse them in this feeling, you can rake off in full.
7. Watch yourself from the sidelines so that everything that the narcissist tells you is passed not through emotions, but through analysis - why did he say this, what are his true motives.

8. do not compete with other women for a narcissist, and even more so do not show him that you are competing for his attention with someone out there. it won't get to anyone. rather, even the one who wins it will be the most unfortunate.
9. that you attribute to narcissists. for example, he never does anything for you. narcissists only do things for you when there is some benefit. the rest of the time they are spitting on you, and you are making assumptions about why they have changed so much and do not notice you.
10. Read information about daffodils to stay informed.
11. Narcissists don't change and don't get your hopes up. get rid of this illusion. moreover, from the very beginning he did something bad to you, and you allowed him to do it. only it probably wasn't as painful at first. but it was.
12. Remember what red flags you missed at the beginning of a relationship. there is no "at first everything was in order, and then it started." was not in order, but you stubbornly did not notice it. the victim trains the narcissist from the start to be the victim. in addition, you can answer yourself the question, why did you choose to close your eyes? find the secret benefits that you are hooked on.
13. The narcissist does not trust anyone, so everything he told you "in secret" is some kind of manipulation.
14. everything they say to you in a fit of criticism (narcissists are very fond of criticizing everyone) is a projection of what is inside them and what they are afraid of in themselves. this does not apply to you.
15. you can hint that you understand who is in front of you, but carefully. "do you want everyone to like it?"...then the narcissist will do everything to please you or will move away.
16. a pronounced demonstrative ignore does not help. on the contrary, they will climb to you. it's easier to pretend that you like it and everything is ok.
17. You can get rid of a narcissist if you disgust him.
18. no need to worry about him. first learn to worry about yourself and live your own life happily. no need to be afraid to offend him by saying "you are rude to me." instead, build confidence that you can't be rude. because if you are not sure that you cannot be rude, the narcissist sees this well and will not accept attempts to persuade him not to be rude to you. he must clearly understand that after the first rudeness you will leave and will no longer communicate with him.
19. stop filming the supernatural series silently. all signs, miracles, identical thoughts, telepathy and so on are add-ons and the result of psychological processing. he cannot see through walls and read your thoughts. everything is much simpler - he somewhere learned what he is telling you or studied you too well and knows your reactions, knows how to provoke certain illusions in you.
20. Don't let them violate your boundaries and take over your successes. talk about it all the time. discuss what you can and can't do with you.
21. Only codependent partners can live with narcissists for a long time, so instead of endlessly analyzing it, analyze your personality type.
22. Don't blame yourself because no matter what a narcissist tells you, they are always talking about themselves. the phrase "you cook badly" is not intended to accuse you of failure, but to exalt yourself against your background. no need to take everything personally and tumble into the position of a worthless victim. they never talk about you - even if they talk about you.
23. don't try to leave. If you decide to leave, you get up and leave. victims and co-dependent people try, the strong get up and leave.

My comment
I have a friend in real life, living with a similar type of "for the sake of the child" for a long time.
Therefore, I will put this repost for her. She lives with a "toxic" husband whom she impotently hates.

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Original taken from sirin_from_shrm The main sign of a narcissist that everyone seems to forget

Most people think of a narcissist primarily as a selfish and narcissistic person. This is why I hate the word "narcissist". Because its original meaning does not correspond to what we understand by "narcissism." Describing a narcissist simply as a "narcissist" is like saying that a cancerous tumor is something like a runny nose.

To reduce the concept of narcissism to a single sign is to completely distort its essence. Any victim of narcissistic abuse will tell you this. The simplistic definition of narcissism as narcissism irritates those who have a good idea dire consequences narcissistic behavior for its victims. After all, those of us who have been crushed by a relationship with a narcissist are well aware that a narcissist is not the kind of guy who constantly slaps duckface selfies on Facebook and Instagram.

But what surprises me the most is this. Narcissism (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) is an epidemic problem (like oncology, for example), and a lot of research should be devoted to it, should be developed special programs informing the population. But none of this! Even when I worked at a domestic violence shelter, we weren't told anything about narcissism and narcissistic abuse.

I can't get my head around it!
I myself did not fully understand the essence of narcissism until I got into a serious relationship with two different covert narcissists twice within five years. I went through hellish torments, trying to understand what it was? But even the therapist whose client I was at that time never used the terms narcissist and sociopath. And of course, when I started using the word "narcissist" to describe my ex's personality, people didn't understand me! How else to describe a person who is not only narcissistic - he lies, manipulates, steals, cheats and generally behaves like a lunatic.

main feature the narcissist that no one seems to talk about - his destructiveness is CONSCIOUS. The narcissist doesn't care about anyone. He is not worried about how his behavior will affect other people. He just wants to get what he wants.

The narcissist is destructive because he needs as many narcissistic resource providers as possible to satisfy his insatiable ego. (Suppliers are people who can provide the narcissist with food, clothing, shelter, sex, money, positively influence his reputation, or advance him up the social ladder.)
The narcissist needs suppliers like a heroin addict: he will do anything to get his fix. The search for a supplier is also extremely destructive: the narcissist lies, slanders, manipulates, steals - he is ready to do anything to get what he wants. Just like a drug addict, he is dangerous for everyone: for his wife, parents, colleagues, and even (and very often!) his children.

By their behavior, the narcissist destroys families - not only physically (divorce), but also emotionally, psychologically, and often financially too. The narcissist has no empathy, no conscience, and no remorse.
I often receive e-mails from people who are trying to understand: how did it happen that such a loving and caring person suddenly, suddenly, as if by magic, became so angry, arrogant, rude and mean? It is very difficult to grasp the essence of a narcissist - and I have completely gone through it too. Narcissistic destructiveness is multi-level, and until a person goes through all the levels to the end, he will not be able to understand the essence of narcissism.

… And the second most common comment that I get by e-mail starts with something like “I didn’t even know that such people exist in the world …” Yes. I didn't know either. After all, we are taught from childhood that there are no monsters, but in fact, daffodils are much worse than fairy-tale villains. They pretend to be charming until they are sure that they have you at their disposal.

Often narcissists choose the most successful people just to get them as low as possible. At first, when this happened to me, I could not understand: well, okay, he is acting treacherous and destructive, but all this ... is completely pointless! After all, at first I didn't want to get involved at all. serious relationship. I just got divorced and I needed a break. For the time being, I even convinced him that there were other people besides me who could be noticed, but he did not want to hear anything about it. He only wanted to be me. ... And no one else. So he said.

In general, when I found out that he was deceiving me, I could not understand the meaning of this lie, because sooner or later I would have found out about his betrayals anyway. Perhaps he thought that his demonstrative illusory "fidelity" would induce me to love him (which, in general, happened later), or that the appearance of constant monogamous relationships would be a good cover for his scattered sex life. Or maybe he hoped to lift me up as high as possible so that he could enjoy my humiliation at the overthrow. Or maybe - and even more likely, as I understand now, typing these lines - he wanted me to finance his business, and his demonstrative preference for me over others should have been additional confirmation of our partnership to lead me to the idea of marriage, which will raise his social position to the level of a business owner, bypassing the risks that those who start a business using borrowed funds bear.

I don't know why he feigned loyalty: for one or more of these reasons, or perhaps none of them. I will never know what was in his head. What I am sure of for sure: he is a destructive person and I hope that I will never see him again.

The truth is that the narcissist's behavior looks inconsistent, pointless and stupid because it is inconsistent, pointless and stupid. They like to exercise power and control over the situation and over our emotions. This is why the narcissist may come home and demand a divorce out of the blue — right after you have reconciled and re-established a close relationship. That's why they empty your bank accounts or borrow a lot of money without you knowing, and then just leave your city - even after accidentally winning the lottery or receiving a hefty inheritance.
He does this because he has the opportunity to do it, and, to some extent, because he likes to watch you suffer. Yes, yes, you heard right! Narcissists enjoy our suffering. The more you suffer, the more significant person he feels. The stronger our reaction, the stronger the feeding of his ego.

Keep in mind that any emotional response you show - positive or negative - is his victory. This is how he creates for himself win-win game! Unfortunately, the victim does not understand that he is in the game until the mask of social well-being slips off the narcissist, and he sees firsthand the complete lack of compassion and remorse - in all its ugliness.

That is why, in order to get out of a relationship with a narcissist, the victim must pretend to be a rag or, even better, break contact. Narcissists know that once you get to the bottom of him, you will either try to break up with him (in which case he will most likely try to suck you back in) or accept his excuses and cling to the hope of changing him. But then his behavior will continue to deteriorate, because now he has made sure that you are ready to buy into his promises and swallow his lies. Make no mistake: a narcissist will never change for the better, and his behavior will only get worse over time.