There are many reasons why couples get into a relationship. Fear of loneliness is far from the last place on this list. Many people are afraid to stay in old age in an empty home and want someone to remember them after death. The family provides insurance and security. “To endure - to fall in love”, - so they say among the people. However, many psychologists believe that loneliness is by no means the worst option if relationships based on habit are on the opposite side of the scale. Today we will talk about why it is impossible to live with an unloved person.
Misconceptions about happiness
Society and modern culture planted in the minds of many people the idea that single men or women cannot be happy. Before your eyes - an example of parents, more "lucky" friends. And they all vying with each other are interested in when to expect radical changes in your life. However, this view is fundamentally wrong. Just because you have another person next to you, you will not find happiness. For an ideal union with someone, one big condition is necessary - love. Imagine what happens if marriage is not based on feelings?
Lots of restrictions
By letting another person into your house, you limit your life, your rights, but at the same time you acquire additional responsibilities. Both of you will try to live according to the pattern, limiting your own desires and needs, just because it is accepted, and "everyone does it." On the other hand, you limit the desires and needs of the other person. Now you both have to adapt to each other. In such conditions, life without feelings is like hell, where each of the partners wants to be alone with himself in order to finally breathe freely. Realize that finding a partner is not the equivalent of success or a sign of entering adulthood. 
Relationships for the sake of relationships will soon run out of steam.
A lonely person is free to do as he wants, and he has the main thing: freedom of choice. Currently, as an alternative to the usual family lifestyle, there are several options for relationships at once. People actively practice unstamped unions, guest marriages and "love at a distance." It is worth forever linking your fate with another person only when you understand that you are making each other's life better. If your couple is haunted by conflicts and dissatisfaction, sooner or later such an alliance will exhaust itself.
New social connections
Relationships without love do not eliminate the need for regular meetings with friends or relatives of the partner. You will follow all these rules of etiquette, and it will be difficult for you to feel true sympathy for complete strangers. When a person is lonely, at any moment he can leave the party, citing urgent matters. Nobody will keep it. If he wants to communicate, he goes to a bar and talks to strangers there. And it does not matter at all whether he will see his new companions someday or not. He does not need to look back at his partner every time or catch the reproachful glances of his relatives. Either way, he won't hurt anyone's feelings. 
People living in megacities see several hundred faces every day, they may not consider themselves lonely at all. All doors are open to you, and there is no reason to tie yourself with a strong rope to a person who, by and large, is indifferent to you.
Relationships without love make people even more lonely.
When you want to choose a new thing, you carry several things into the fitting room at once. When you try on someone else's model ideal life, no one will guarantee that this model will fit "like a glove." Gradually, you will begin to feel that you exist in a simulated reality. This sensation leads to feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction. Relationships themselves do not bring happiness on a silver platter. Probably no one warned you about this. Two people who live with each other is just the sum of two people. If you understand that there is no turning back, and your relationship is based on lies and deceit, you will feel much more alone.
What pushes women into marriage with an unloved man? Speaking at the level of external causes, the answer is obvious: firstly, the instinctive need at a certain age to create a family and give birth to a child. No matter how highly organized we are, instincts have power over us, and therefore nature sometimes “requires” procreation. Not every woman manages to "agree" with this requirement. But love has not yet happened or failed, another has not come for it.
And if a woman is already under 30 or over 30, then she often begins to think about what she can do, she should not be expected at all. The one who, as a rule, is in a woman and seeks her, or the one who considers her just suitable, and strong feelings are optional, falls into the role of a candidate for husbands.
It happens that a woman is not sure that she now needs marriage at all, but relatives and friends, seeing the courtship of a “decent guy”, literally put pressure on her, instilling fears: “what if there is no such love that you are waiting for, look how good man, they may not be invited to marry again!
Often social factors are also included here: for example, the girl's parental family lives in poverty and crowded, getting married is a way to run away from the parental family, a way to somehow improve the financial situation.
Very often, they go into alliances with the unloved after experienced unhappy love, disappointed and distrustful of feelings, they simply try to “arrange life” - to make it comfortable, calm, pleasant. And for this, they deliberately choose a partner for whom there will be a moderate attraction, but not an insane passion. Thus, insuring yourself against another disappointment. The last reason, by the way, pushes men into similar unions.
And now let's talk about what underlying reasons lead to such a life scenario, because the fact that love "did not come" or "failed" is not accidental.
Fear. Often the scenario of marriage with the unloved is unconsciously chosen by those who are afraid to love. The reasons for this fear can be different - emotional coldness in the parental family, the negative reaction of parents to the manifestations of the child's feelings, the one-sidedness of relations in the family, when the child is constantly lacking affection and love, while something is constantly demanded of him.
As a result, growing up, a person develops the habit of not even suppressing his feelings, but simply not noticing them. By blocking his feelings at a very early stage of their occurrence, he actually does not allow any mutual love. And then the mind turns on, which says that you should not wait for love.
In this scenario, a person tries more at the level of interpersonal relationships. “I want to be loved, but I won’t!” - the revenge of an unloved child to the world, now he can stand in the position of a person who is begging for love, now he is free to punish and pardon, thereby towering over the past, where he stood in the pose of a petitioner.
All this, of course, in most cases happens unconsciously.
Anastasia, 39 years old At 26, she married a colleague who had been seeking her for a long time. She did not love, but she knew that he loved. Thought it was enough. A year and a half later she gave birth, and for this purpose she could have sex with her husband as much as he wanted, but after the birth of the child she lost interest in intimate life. And the husband, feeling a passionate attraction to her and not receiving an answer, began to drink more and more often. She got a consultation when she realized that sexuality had awakened in her, but she could not realize it with her husband - she initially did not have a strong attraction to him, and even more so since she began to drink. When examining the relationship in her parental family, two key points were noted: Anastasia's mother harshly scolded her for any manifestations of feelings, despised "veal tenderness" and, in general, was rather harsh with the child. According to the mother, the only way she could raise a daughter who would become independent. From men, first of all. The second point is that little Nastya always had to “beg for” any toy, treat or entertainment. The mother believed that the less a child is taught to be content with, the more opportunities there will be in the future, it is easier for an undemanding and economical person to live. In addition to the need to deal with grievances against her mother, Anastasia now has a lot of questions: “can I love”, “how to build my life further”, “how to deal with my son”, and also a huge sense of guilt towards her husband.
Uncertainty. Such a person can be arbitrarily feeling, but at the same time deeply unsure of his own significance and the right to life's blessings. Uncertainty can be formed from similar factors - criticism, lack of warmth or refusal to caress, ignoring the interests of the child. But, as a rule, feelings are not suppressed, and it is not fear that arises, but a persistent feeling of one's own insignificance. It is precisely such a woman who can marry “out of hopelessness”, being convinced that nothing “shines” better for her, and she herself will not achieve anything without a husband. Or first, unhappy love, disappointment, and then such a “compensatory” marriage happens in her life, where perhaps she is loved, but not at all in the way she herself would like. And most often, in marriages with such women, it happens on the part of the man.
If emotionally cold, “impregnable” women, as in the first case, sometimes excite the passions of a certain type of men, then insecure women often push men to use it. A cold woman takes revenge and is not afraid to be alone, it is more terrible for her to feel than to be alone, for an insecure woman it is more terrible to be alone, because she perceives herself as “zero without a wand”.
The results of such marriages are different. It all depends on what prevails in a person over the years: the need to love, or still feelings of fear and insecurity. This struggle still has an ending: either fears disappear over the years, feelings wake up, confidence comes, or vice versa - fears take root, and uncertainty deepens. If development proceeds according to the second scenario, the marriage will be strong, but most likely unhappy - both partners will experience a lack of warmth to one degree or another. If it follows the first path, then the divorce of such spouses is a matter of time. And if you are going to marry the unloved, first of all, think about it: for what reasons exactly could you be so “unlucky” that mutual love did not happen? And are you in a hurry? After all, your fears and insecurities can disappear, but remaking a life in which you already have children is more difficult than starting from scratch yourself.
“That’s how people live, and nothing…” Are many people consoled by the understanding that there are few happy families, that many live, some “out of habit”, some for the sake of children, some for the sake of at least some kind of organized life, someone from fear of loneliness? .. It hardly consoles, but it keeps and stops many. The only question is what keeps and what stops? From a formal break - yes. In an obsession with the desire to quit everything and start over - also yes. Sometimes. Does this worldly wisdom help to establish family life in a proper way? Unlikely.
Of course, the discovery of a puddle from the Snow Maiden is far from being a tragedy for all people. “Well, yes ... - the man sighs, - romantic love is short-lived. Everything passes, but you have to live somehow. And he lives, as they say, "without claims." When two such “sensible” people come together, there really is no tragedy. This state of affairs suits them, they continue to respect each other, satisfy each other in an intimate way, find a common language in terms of raising children and housekeeping - a prosperous family. One could even say happy. It could have been... would. If you don't know what are happy families. If you do not have an inner, inexhaustible by any prudent considerations, a deep and clearly realized need to love, to feel that your love is perceived and to be loved (beloved). If you do not have such a thirst, then nothing. And if she is? If you know examples from life that refute the statements of “specialists” that are stupid in their pompous self-confidence, that the term of romantic love is a maximum of three months? From life, but not from my own, or maybe from my own, but “it didn’t work out” ... Then all these “nothing”, give nothing, do not help, do not hold back.
I remember the scene in the subway. Evening. An old woman sits among the passengers in the carriage. Opposite her stands a wizened, small-sized grandfather, the same somewhere around eighty. She is holding his hand. He holds her hand in his. They rode in silence, not winking, not chirping. They just held onto each other. But the way she held his hand and he held hers was so expressive!! It would be obvious to the most cynical look that this is not a habit, and not a reminder “to the leg!”, And not anything else from the category of household social psychology, and love with unspent love for all decades. It was clear from them that they loved each other tenderly, tenderly, with some kind of youthful quivering delight. They are good. They are one flesh. Because they are unanimous. On their faces, on their hands, in their dilapidated bodies, a gleam of love that conquered death seemed to flow all over.
What would it be like to see a person whose soul longs for love, a person who has already persuaded himself that "others live" and so on?
And now what? - you ask. Everyone urgently get a divorce, who does not love their second half, and rush in search of the "only"? No, I'm not suggesting anything of the sort. It's just that it's not that simple. The question of how to live with an unloved wife / unloved husband may arise, firstly, not for everyone. To do this, you still need to really want to love, and this is far from characteristic of everyone. Not so many people are so eager not only to be loved, but to love, in order to stake everything “acquired by overwork”. So everyone doesn't rush. And secondly, the very posing of the question “how” implies the intention to live with his wife after all. The only question is the method. In the methodology of family life, if you like.
“Whether you are a rocker or a monk,” Alexander Gradsky sings, “you are soaked in a Soviet puddle.” As the great Soviet psychologist S. Rubinshtein said, "ideology determines methodology." Soviet family was puzzled by the super-idea of building a bright future, and the “cell of society” was guarded by a system that, through the party committee-local committee, called to order spouses who put personal interests above public ones. There were fewer divorces, but this, like many other things in the USSR, only rested on a false ideology and on the strength of the totalitarian regime (as they weakened, including the family), and in the perestroika period, everything just spilled out, for decades plastered, rotten.
Often, in an effort to preserve an Orthodox family, one can notice familiar party-local committee remnants. Such, in the manner of Soviet workers in the ideological sector, “ birthmarks communism." This manifests itself not in preventing divorces (which in itself can only be welcomed), but in neglecting the feelings of lovers and suffering, yearning for loneliness, the soul: oh, these are passions!
Yes, passion. "Passion" in translation from Slavic into Russian means "suffering". Since when is it the norm for a Christian to disregard the suffering of his neighbor?
Yes, the passion of the soul is the main reason for its loneliness. A pure soul sees God and cannot be alone. So what? Does this cancel sympathy, compassion, mercy? With the same assessment of the situation, the state of the soul of a person, his actions, different attitudes towards him personally are possible. There are different ones, but not all of them are acceptable in the spirit of the Gospel. Rev. Isaac the Syrian teaches that purity is “a heart that has mercy on all created nature”, and a merciful heart is “a kindling of a person’s heart about all creation”, his heart cannot “endure, or hear, or see any harm or small the sorrows endured by the creature. And therefore, for the dumb, and for the enemies of the truth, and for those who do harm to him, he brings prayer every hour so that they are preserved and cleansed ... with great pity, which without measure is aroused in his heart by likeness in this to God.
If we consider family conflicts in this vein, there will be no “splash” advice. Not in the sense that there will be no clarity, firmness, devotion to the commandments. It will just be. And there will be, on the other hand, cruelty, heartlessness, contempt for a weak person overwhelmed by passions.
But still, as?
Love.
But you can’t command your heart… but you can command. However, a clarification is needed here. In Greek, love is expressed in four words: φιλια <филия>- friendly love ερως <эрос>- love-aspiration (usually understood only as sensual love, but this is a superficial approach), στεργω <стерго>- tribal love, and αγαπη <агапи>- spiritual love, love-respect, good attitude, free love (of course, not in modern sense, but as dependent on volitional choice). It's the word αγαπη and was chosen by the Savior to fill it with a new meaning of spiritual love.
Photo Kristina Litvjak/unsplash.com
If you think about it, all the first three types of love are also characteristic of animals: friendship, devotion of animals sometimes causes admiration, their eros does not always come down to generic activity, and selfless love for one's own is worthy of imitation. In addition, all these three types of love are spontaneous. Eros arises suddenly, sometimes, between long-familiar people, inspires them, ennobles ... or, conversely, pushes them to terrible crimes, but it can just as suddenly evaporate if love does not develop into love.
Friendship is also a spontaneous feeling that encourages you to find yourself, your own in another, and, conversely, to find it in yourself. It sometimes arises suddenly, sometimes it forms gradually and can just as suddenly or gradually fade away. Not necessarily due to a quarrel. It’s just that relationships can exhaust themselves, and random meetings of old friends on the street will come down to a sincere, lively interest in how things are going, as relatives and mutual acquaintances, passing greetings to the spouses at parting.
Family love? Especially. She either exists or she doesn't. Either a person loves his family, people, country or other community, of which he considers himself a member: a professional community, a community of interests (fan clubs, for example), a party, etc., or not. He is ready to defend his community, any insult to one of "his own" is a personal insult for him. For the sake of the good of "his" circle, he is ready to work with enthusiasm. And if this generic love does not exist, but a person understands that it should exist, then he tries to portray it. For what? Nothing easier. Love for "one's own" in this case is portrayed through hatred for "strangers". And it does not matter who will be appointed "strangers". And the more zealously and furiously someone pokes himself with his heel in the chest, calling for “beat-save”, the more doubtful is his sincerity. As a rule, such a person will not lift a finger on a finger, so that in his soul and on the street in front of his house it becomes cleaner, more comfortable. And if he hits, then for the sake of all the same posture and political points.
All these types of love not only come and go against the will, but also manifest themselves no less spontaneously. The range of beautiful deeds and horrific crimes generated by all three is colossal. Their common problem: idolatry. In sensual love, the desire to merge into a single whole subjugates everyone and everything, and what is on the way is subject to destruction. In friendship, for the sake of its preservation, criminal solidarity is manifested, because "they do not abandon their own." In love for their people, they forget that other peoples also have the right to life, freedom, prosperity, but ... everyone lacks.
As mentioned above, these types of love are spontaneous, and therefore they cannot be commanded. But the Lord does not command to love sensually, does not command to be friends, does not command to love the homeland, family, etc., strange as it may sound. He, using the word αγαπη , the “new commandment” gives us: let us love one another (John 13; 34), because, as already mentioned above, αγαπη , unlike the other three types of love, depends on our will.
It is love for God and man as the image of God. And not only to another person, but also to yourself. In God. This is both a gift from God and a task for man, because without efforts on his part this gift will not take root. Moreover, the desire to love with this particular love will be constantly tested for strength. Through overcoming trials, love takes root and eventually bears fruit. Love for God is known, as Father Vladimir Zalipsky said, through love for one's neighbor, and love for one's neighbor - through humility.
Spiritual love is meant to be a nourishing and stabilizing ground for any of the above three "elemental" types of love. Eros rooted in αγαπη focuses on the individual and remembers God, which keeps from the hedonistic use of the object of love, on the one hand, and losing one's head from insane adoration, on the other. Friendship on this basis remembers the true good - the salvation of the soul, and therefore will not allow anything ungodly on the part of the friend, will not support him in evil, but will do everything so that the lost friend comes to his senses. Love for one's people, homeland, colleagues, community, nourished from αγαπη , will not neglect the benefits of others, because he sees in strangers, first of all, people, putting himself in their place and respecting their feelings, resolving all conflict situations without losing human dignity, without violating justice and philanthropy.
If we return to our topic, then the method looms simple, although not without difficulty achievable: you can live with an unloved wife only ... by loving her as a neighbor.
“With tears I beg and implore you,” said St. Alexy Mechev, - be the sun warming those around you, if not all, then the family in which the Lord has made you a member.
Be warm and light to those around you; first try to warm your family with yourself, work on it, and then these works will lure you so much that the circle of your family will already be narrow for you, and these warm rays will eventually capture more and more new people and the circle illuminated by you will gradually increase. and increase; so try to keep the lamp burning bright.<…>
Only the Lord can embrace everyone with love, and therefore we can love everyone only through Christ.<…>
We must imitate the love of God. The opportunity to do good to someone is God's mercy to us, therefore we must run, strive with all our heart to serve another.<…>
A true and firm believer, entering into communion with the Lord, acquires Divine love. In communion with the Lord, families and states unite.<…>
Love is acquired by working on oneself, by violence against oneself and by prayer.
It would seem strange to hear that love is acquired "by violence against oneself." But all ascetic experience testifies to this. The reason for the internal resistance of our Divine love is not so much in external factors, but in our carnal dispensation, which is opposed to everything heavenly and holy. We tend to reach for natural love - erotic, friendly, generic, but we do not strive for spiritual love, because the earthly in us opposes the heavenly, the fallen - the holy. Holy is only that which proceeds directly in God and from God., because God is holy.
Somehow I remember, a long time ago, long before my ordination, we argued with one a good man about his excessively close relationship with my friend's wife. There, everything was already going to the registration of divorces and a new marriage. It so happened that I accidentally found out about this and cheekily butted into their romance. In the end, the matter ended with the fact that the wife and husband reconciled. So, this man (we also became friends) proved to me that God is love and commanded us to love, and they loved each other, so I should not have inspired his beloved with the need to return to her husband. He talked a lot and beautifully. He said a lot of the right things. Only one thing was overlooked: the Lord spoke about love for one's neighbor. And neighbor No. 1 for her was her husband. Here is such a one, not too in harmony with her in a variety of ways, clumsy, abrupt, in places uncouth, but it was he, by the providence of God, who turned out to be the closest to her, the most in need of the application of love in all its aspects. It turned out that when she followed the lead of her sensual love, it was then that she trampled on the God-commanded love.
To love when "loved" is simple and easy, even if it involves huge sacrifices. But when a person acts out of love, without receiving “natural” impulses from within, this is where the field for the feat of love according to the commandment is.
Happy are those to whom God sent that very only "second half", and they lived soul to soul a long life, thanking God. Blessed are those to whom the Lord did not bless this happiness, giving them the opportunity to succeed in love for Him and their neighbor.
