Military aphorisms
The enemy is not a cockroach - you can't kill with a slipper!
The inscription behind the orderly: Checking not Santa Claus - when he comes, you don’t know.
Hard in teaching, come to the army.
Killed the enemy - smoke a smoke. (I. V. Stalin)
Motherland is not a heifer - betrayal does not forgive.
Shooting is not kissing - you can't practice on tomatoes!
The level of cleanliness of the toilet is an indicator of the level of purity of the soldier's soul.
Fighter, watch out so that even a fly does not crawl past!
Charter - life! It is written by people, not by WORD!
Drilling is not higher mathematics, you need to think here!
The army is not Call of duty, first-aid kits do not lie on the road like that.
A tank is not a luxury, but a means of transportation to the battlefield.
Thrifty - the head of the clothing warehouse saves.
The head of the clothing warehouse gave - the head of the clothing warehouse and took away.
The cartridge does not fall far from the chamber.
Fighter, remember: the hat and head are one!
When receiving a weapon - do not click the shutter!
Lost vigilance - surrendered to the enemy!
Keep your mouth shut while eating!
The enemy does not sleep! The enemy has insomnia!
Soldier, remember: smoking outside the smoking room is equivalent to setting fire!
Statuses about the army
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After Vovochka went to the army - to mow from the institute.
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In the army, boys are made into real men... But without the participation of women.
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Walk, girl, sleep well. After all, somewhere, clutching a machine gun, you are reliably guarded by your faithful boyfriend, your soldier.
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One step forward and two steps back, never mind, I'm a soldier...
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The soldier is sleeping - the service is on! But the most important thing is that when a soldier runs, the service goes on anyway.
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The army is voluntary. If you want, go, if you don't want, they'll take you!
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Now that you have become a soldier, forget civil dreams ... Kiss at night with an AUTOMATIC AND GIVE flowers to the foreman))))
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To become a good soldier, you need to give up all smart thoughts.
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Boots should be cleaned in the evening and put on a fresh head in the morning.
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Without an order, do not speak, do not ask for anything, move only by running.
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At the recruiting office, the head asks the conscript: - Well, 2000 bucks or the army? The conscript shows the camera and answers: - White ticket or YouTube?
Aphorisms, quotes.", "Hide")">Video: A copy of the video Aphorisms, quotes.
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The main principle in the army - if you do not have time to puzzle, you can sleep.
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How I miss those eyes!! and you know what it is. when you look through the glass of the train at your own eyes and understand that you will see them in a year !! It's not a week, it's not a month, it's a year! whole summer, autumn, winter, spring, holidays, birthdays, every lonely morning, every lonely evening!! how damn!! for this year, others change half their lives, but for me they fly only for the same ones.
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Beloved went to the army ((((How hard it is without him ... But I will definitely wait for you zay ... I love ...
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Sleep girl, sleep dear. I protect you! When I come to civilian life, fuck you sleep with me!
Funny aphorisms about the army
Military education instills courage through fear.
Here you are not here - here you will quickly get out of the habit of drinking vodka and breaking disgrace.
At the command "CLEAR" comes the dark time of the day.
Army rule: "Only he who knows how to obey can command." It's like saying, "Only those who know how to sink can swim."
The army is people gathered in one place for the sole purpose of correcting the mistakes of diplomats.
Wherever a deer passes, there a soldier will pass.
Our army needs central heating batteries most of all in winter.
Watching the battle from the side, everyone fancies himself a strategist.
Who runs faster than a sheepdog? It's fire spirits!
The soldier who does not want to become a corporal is bad.
The paratrooper, like an expensive service, can fall and break.
The more the paratrooper sleeps, the less harm he does.
Funny aphorisms about the army
The best remedy is running in a gas mask!
He didn't like salted tomatoes, because the head wouldn't fit into the jar, and if it did, it stung his eyes.
Comrades, it's time to recover! And we haven't eaten yet!
The radio station should be in the head of the head of the column.
The cries and groans of the dead were heard on the battlefield.
If a stone is thrown up, then, since the force of gravity acts on it, it will fall to the ground.
What if he falls into the water?
This does not concern us, they do it in the Navy.
Here's what you need to do to have a correct speech impediment
Articles on sexual education in the journal "Health" contribute to the strengthening of military discipline.
From and before marriage, I did not know what a disease was: I was healthy inside and out!
When I drink sparkling water, for some reason it hits me right on the top of my head, and not in my nose.
I feel myself, but not well.
What interests you more: what I say, or a dead dove that flies over the dining room?!
At the command "Equal!" the kettle turns to the right.
Do not point a weapon at people, even if it is loaded.
Girls who do not know how to salute, two steps forward!
Army - aphorisms, jokes, insanity, jokes, needs.
Army
What if there is a war or some other event?
But this leads to the death of numerous victims!
And you'd better keep quiet, comrade cadet, your noodles on your ears haven't dried yet.
And if you run out of ammo in battle, what should you do? Shoot further to mislead the enemy.
And if it is difficult, then you need to clench your teeth into a fist.
And on the first floor of our department there are classes No. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 and so on up to the 12th.
And for me, let them at least kill everyone, so long as there is no war! ...
And from 17 o'clock we will clean the snow by the communists.
And I will talk to you on YOU: I will expel, reprimand, fuck ...
Abashidze, overgrown like an elephant, hairy, how much!
The machine works like this: one, two, three - and you are gone.
The Americans used a new super-bomb to suppress the enemy's electronic weapons - and were surprised to find that microprocessors are not used in Kalashnikov assault rifles ...
The army is a dream, God forbid, I will still have a dream ...
An army without a mat is like a soldier without a machine gun.
The army, apart from benefit, cannot bring any harm.
Drummer! Play the anthem of the Soviet Union!
God does not help large battalions, but those who shoot better.
God created the strong and the weak, and Mr. Colt leveled their chances
God created sleep and silence, and the devil - the rise and the foreman.
The combat sheet should be a combat sheet, because it is a combat sheet.
The fighter was young, inexperienced. He hesitated, two fingers of a bread slicer chopped him off. It’s a pity that he was so commissioned in a new uniform ...
A fighter must salute every tree, starting with me.
Combat is the only means of achieving victory in combat.
To the fighter of the invisible front - an invisible heroic star!
There were guard dogs there. Looked, talked - were ordinary dogs.
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Army. army humor, aphorisms army jokes
And here are the pearls army humor, some from the Internet and literature, and some from personal combat experience
Who served in the army - he does not laugh in the circus!
We carry the round, we roll the square ...
We don't need any enemy at all, we'll kill ourselves and die.
You called the call center of the recruiting assembly point: if you want to serve in the army, press the star, if you do not want, press the pound sign.
The soldier is sleeping, the service is going on.
The life of a soldier is a struggle. Before dinner - with hunger, after dinner - with sleep.
The more oaks in the army, the stronger our defense.
Sleep is the only occupation a soldier takes seriously.
A smoke break shortens not only life, but also service.
In the army, they do not swear, but talk.
They scored on health, but they ask how smart!
Vodka is the enemy. A soldier is not afraid of enemies and destroys.
Boots should be cleaned in the evening in order to put them on in the morning with a fresh head!
In case of alarm, pants should be placed on a stool with the width towards the exit ...
Frost and sun, wonderful day. Once Pushkin wrote. From these words it is clear immediately. Curly army did not know.
They don’t steal and don’t lose in the army - they stay in the army ...
One in the field is not a warrior, the orderly said and went to sleep.
New statuses about the army for guys and girls. cool and funny, and sad statuses about the army for classmates, VKontakte, ICQ and agent.
Young people go to the army to gain courage, life experience and pay back to the Motherland. But many refuse to join the army, taking it as an introduction into their personal life, a call to do something against the will of a person. Therefore, many possible ways trying to get out of service in the armed forces of their country. Many servicemen are waiting for their beloved girls, they remain faithful to their loved ones throughout the entire period, while their young people run in formation and live in the barracks. Undoubtedly, the soldier is also waiting for his best friends, the arrival of the demobilization best friend- it is always a big holiday that drags on not for one day, but for at least a week or even a month. While serving in the army, a soldier learns a lot, rethinks a lot in life, and, already upon arrival home, this is a completely different person, with certain values and values. life priorities. After the army, the road to life is open to you, easier job, because you are treated with respect and know that you have only serious intentions.
Statuses about the army
When many go to the army, they put funny statuses on their page, addressed to friends, girlfriend, or all together. This status can no longer be changed throughout the entire service life, or until vacation. However, on the wall of such users throughout the entire service life appear
When nations fight among themselves, it is called war. (K. Prutkov)
The commander said a ferret means a ferret, and no gophers!
Short dashes from me to the next oak.
The rats alerted the captain of the ship that they were on a drill.
Who served in the army, he does not laugh in the circus.
Whoever comes to us with a sword will receive it in a plowshare. (N.Fomenko)
Lies a fighter, failed to cope with the attack
A fighter is lying, he could not cope with the attack (N. Fomenko)
It's better to be a coward for a minute than to be a dead man all your life
Better with a sweetheart in a hut than with a shovel in a dugout
Any business can be done in three ways: right, wrong, and the way they do in the army
I was awarded the Order of the Legion of Honor. However, few people managed to avoid this difference. (M. Twain)
We will destroy our nuclear weapon along with America. (V.Chernomyrdin)
We often think with regret of the time when Napoleon shot at the editor of a magazine, but missed and killed the publisher. Still, we appreciate his good intentions. (M. Twain)
NATO does not threaten us (Russia). What makes you think that Ukraine's accession to NATO can threaten us? I want to say it easier. We in Russia do not want Ukraine to turn from a near abroad into a distant one. Ukraine should be more concerned about this than we are! (V.Chernomyrdin)
Do not talk nonsense (N. Fomenko)
Not every general is complete by nature. (K. Prutkov)
Not every captain is a police officer! (K. Prutkov)
Not every person even has a hussar uniform to face. (K. Prutkov)
Don't play the fool (N.Fomenko)
No need to run from a sniper, you will only die tired (M. Zhvanetsky)
A Russian tank is not as scary as its drunken crew.
Wouldn't you go Vanek on the soldiers (N. Fomenko)
Some look brave because they are afraid to run away (M. Zhvanetsky)
No, I'm not sleeping, I'm just blinking slowly (N. Fomenko)
There is no "military thinking"; these are two concepts that have nothing in common. (G. Garrison)
We'll ruin the planes first.
First of all, we will ruin the planes, but the girls, and the girls later!
In front of a doctor's office in the medical unit: "AIDS, pregnancy and other sexually transmitted diseases are sexually transmitted"
The soldier who does not dream of sleeping with the general is bad (N. Fomenko)
The soldier who does not want is bad (N. Fomenko)
Slippers rumbled on the floor (N. Fomenko)
It's good to be a lieutenant colonel, but it's better to be a general
After the end of firing, combat and training cartridges must be reset
Put a barrier, or an intelligent major
Russians and Chechens are like two birds that cannot get along in the same lair (A. Lebed)
The most disliked saying of sappers: one foot here, the other there
The most miserable thing in the world is the crowd; here is the army - the crowd; they go into battle not because courage flared up in them - they are given courage by the consciousness that there are many of them and that they are in command. (M. Twain)
Boots should be cleaned in the evening, and in the morning put them on with a fresh head.
Now you are looking out of the audience window, and the time will come when you will look out of the window of the tank entrusted to you.
Sergeant! Your orderly is not cut, it hangs on your ears
Do you hear what is expected of us? C300. We know what it is. This is not God forbid! Today C300, and tomorrow let's have another ... and the day after tomorrow the third. That's what it is! (V.Chernomyrdin)
I'll take off: gas mask - in 6 seconds; condom - in 5 seconds; bra - in 4 seconds; night watchman - after three attempts
Soldier without a shovel - violation of the uniform
Tanks are not afraid of dirt!
Tanks are not afraid of dirt!
Comrade cadets! When detecting a flash of a nuclear explosion, the most important thing is to turn your back on it so that the steel from the bayonet does not drip onto reproductive organs or government boots
Comrade cadets, what are your last names? - Ivanov, Petrov, Sidorov! - What are you, brothers? - No, cousins
Comrade cadet! You are like an African bird, an ostrich, which from the height of its flight does not see the general line of the party
Comrade soldiers! Today, a naked woman was found on the door of the nightstand. With the forces of the outfit, we tore it off and threw it into the toilet. Who does not believe - can go and make sure
Accuracy - courtesy of snipers
We have created all the conditions that need to be overcome in order to become a real officer
Killed while trying to commit suicide
You may not shine with your mind, but you must shine with your boot
Hearing the barking of a patrol dog, the sentry duplicates his voice
A man who served in the army does not laugh at the circus.
What did you break in like a horse? You don't have a tongue to knock?
What kind of toenails have you grown? Like an eagle, even climb trees
What did you, comrade cadet, draw such an uneven square? What are you, colorblind?
This explosive is shaped like plasticine.
This is not for you to twist the bolts on the microcircuits!
This is not for you to hug hedgehogs!
This is not soap for you to drive in a basin!
This is not for you to tuck your fur coat into your shorts!
This is what else! It happens much worse: for example, when planes crash, but people survive ...
I met with many policemen who died, with demonstrators who died; and everyone asks me a question... (Vit. Klitschko)
I ordered all the puddles to be placed on the parade ground so that the officers would not urinate on the way home!
Funny, funny, witty, comic phrases, aphorisms, sayings and quotes:
How to mow down from the army at the medical board::Come to the military enlistment office gray raincoat and a pointed hat, with tomato juice or a red marker. Entering the recruiting office, start talking with horror about the knights of the apocalypse, rushing along the corridors and drawing pentagrams and incomprehensible symbols on the walls. If they start to stop, say it's for their own good.
Come with a bunch of garlic around your neck, with a cross (crucifixion), holy water, an aspen stake and a silver spoon. If they start taking away, say that without it you won’t go anywhere.
- You will definitely feel the throat. During this process, look with horror at the doctor and in a whisper, but so that the doctor hears, begin to pray;
- When the optometrist starts to shine a flashlight into your eyes, hit him on the forehead with a spoon;
- Ear-throat-nose can be threatened with a stake or a crucifix;
- When they start checking your hearing (whispering numbers in your ear), sprinkle the doctor with holy water (the water must be holy);
- Do not under any pretext do not remove the garlic!
If you understand binary code, then when they whisper numbers in your ear, translate them into binary code (such as 0010110001). You can bring a piece of paper and a pen with you.
Twitch your limbs, it's alarming. Sometimes you can stop, wait a few seconds and burst into hellish laughter.
Play Satanist (You'll have to fork out for accessories.)
On the test, squeeze your fingers and sharply unclench them. When they ask you: “Why are you pulling your hands?” - answer in a whisper: "It's not me. It's THEY!"
You can portray an attack of bloodthirstiness. When asked why you want to serve in the army, answer: “In the army? Soldiers serve there, they are given machine guns. They can shoot from them. I also want a machine gun and shoot! Give me a gun!!! I want to shoot people! Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!!!" - at the same time, you can depict a machine gun with your hands and shoot at a psychiatrist from it, or jump up abruptly and beat your hands on the psychiatrist's table, and then on the psychiatrist himself.
Shout: "I'm an iron man!" and start poking yourself with a knife or pencil (shallow, into accumulations of fat, but so that there is blood). You can also start cutting your hands with a knife (the main thing is to do it sharply, then it will not hurt). During this process, you can be distracted by an ominous laugh.
Tell the doctor: "Look how I can!" and start biting your veins (just don't overdo it).
On examination, shout: “Hit me! Hit me! Aaah, I'm going to hit myself!!!" - and with all your might, stick it in your jaw, for entertainment you can fly off a couple of meters or do somersaults (I'd rather beat myself than go to serve for a year).
Stick to your hand computer mouse(say grown), put on glasses with a 1cm lens and talk to the doctor in C ++.
Walk and stroke the stuffed cat, while you can whisper in her ear something like: “Nothing, they won’t take us away. Everything will be fine. Don't worry".
Wear a gnome hat and drool (a nightcap will do).
If the recruiting office is not far from home - come in a fur coat over your naked body.
Wear a black leather BDSM suit underneath. Arriving for an inspection, lock the door to the office and start undressing.
When your ear-throat-nose starts checking your hearing (saying numbers), blush and say that you cannot say such vulgarities (it is better if there is more than one doctor in the office). For greater effect, you can accuse him of harassment.
Bring with you a pistol from the slot machine (which is shot at the monitor).
Claim that you are from Mars or an asteroid chain. If the doctor begins to make comments, close your eyes, start making incomprehensible hand movements and lowing.
Bring a cable 10 meters long with you, place (plug) one end in the area of \u200b\u200bthe ass, and ask the doctor to plug the other into the outlet so that you can recharge.
Bring a friend and say that this is your imaginary friend, and let him pretend that no one sees him and loudly advise out loud, for example: "Come on, kill them!" If the doctor starts to grab him or ask about something, make a surprised look and say: “He is different!”.
Bring two friends. One must be dressed in snow-white sheets, sandals and carry a harp. The second is in a black leather jacket, boots and walking around with a whip (ideally try to get a halo and horns). Let them walk behind you and whisper in your ear.
- One should whisper "Go, do everything right, pass all the checks and serve for the good of the motherland";
- Let the second one say: “Kill them all! You don't need them, service is for fools!"
Come to the examination with popcorn and Coke, sit in front of the doctor, look into his eyes and silently eat popcorn, pretending that you are watching a movie. Don't answer questions. You can shout “movie sucks” to throw popcorn at the doctor. If he grabs you, be very surprised (but don't resist) and say “WOW! What special effects!
Option 2: Sit on a chair so that you look at the door, chew popcorn, sometimes blow bubbles in cola. When the doctor says something to you, hiss angrily at him and make comments: “Sssss! Don't stop watching!"
When the doctor writes a certificate, exit through the window (before that, make sure it is a low floor or ask friends to lay a mattress underneath).
Come in the form of a fan, with a scarf, a pipe. Conscripts to the office escort joyful cries and slogans. In general, portray an ardent fan.
Rent a knight's armor and sword, rush to the doctor and say that you are ready to serve in the name of the king.
Option 2: Find a Space Marine suit and declare that you are ready to give your life for the emperor.
Bring a "Death Note" with you and, while staring at the doctor's face, ask for his name.
Come in a torn gray robe, climb onto the table and start reading psalms in an unfamiliar language in a voice beyond the grave.
Dress up in a prison uniform, put on handcuffs and go into the office with the words "Hey doc, come on quick, they let me go for a couple of hours."
At the medical examination, when asked to undress, tie a towel around your waist, put on sandals, dark glasses, a cap with brim, a rubber circle, take a washcloth and go out in front of the doctors. In response to surprised looks, ask: “What are you wearing?”.
While the doctor is writing something, you can walk around the office and talk to the walls about the weather...
One can even fight.
Smear yourself with shoe polish and accuse the doctor of being politically incorrect. Claim that you are a Negro and if the doctor says anything about your appearance, accuse him of racism.
Glue big headphones to your ears, ask everyone again and say that you don’t hear anything.
Go and cry for money. Hide small coins in your pants so that when you walk they ring and constantly get enough sleep.
After the examination, ask: “Am I sure I passed? Well, then I'm flying away ... ”- stick a firework in the ass and set it on fire.
Come into the office in boots, military uniform, a cap, with an AK47 model and shout: "I'm ready!"
Calmly go into the office, look at the doctor, freeze, make a surprised look, without taking your eyes off the doctor, take out your mobile phone, call and say: “I found it” (For the effect, you can lock the front door).
Buy a Sailor Moon cosplay set and pay the doctors in the name of the moon.
Come with a system unit on your back, keyboard leggings, a cape of CDs, headphones, holding a mouse in each hand (you can wrap yourself with wires).
Pretend to be a vampire: buy red lenses, false fangs. On examination, constantly hiss and, looking for a victim, occasionally drink a strange red liquid from a five-liter jar.
While the doctor is writing a certificate - as if by chance, take out the machete and start sharpening it (while whistling "gop-stop").
Bring the whole family for a visit. From mom and dad to cousins and cousins.
Bring a box of dynamite (you can paint toilet paper cartons with red gouache). Say what you always carry with you. Before leaving, you can leave it in the office.
When the doctor writes a certificate, smile, point to the next wall and say that he was filmed by a hidden camera.
Come in a business suit with a diplomat, sit in front of the doctor, put a notepad, pen, folder with documents, a bottle of water on the table and say that you are ready to start the conference.
Moan, make obscene sounds. You can pretend to have an orgasm.
Sit in front of the doctor, light up a cigar, put your feet up on the table and say, "Well, here we are."
When the doctor asks to undress, convince him that there is nothing interesting there, take out a dildo in front of him (the main thing is that it should be similar) and tell him that you wear it separately.
Fall asleep every 10 seconds. When they wake you up, pretend you don't remember anything.
