A small but very useful post answering the question: “ How to improve relationships with your husband, wife, family", useful for marital happiness and family well-being
Greetings, dear visitors of Oleg Matveev’s psychological help website, I wish you mental health and family happiness!
How to improve relationships with your beloved husband and wife, in the family
All people, without exception, want to be happy. And happiness in family, married life is, first of all, good and harmonious relationships in the family. Although the concept of “happy life” is relative (philosophical), it is widely used in everyday life, and represents a certain, ornate goal that, one way or another, everyone strives for.What does it take to be happy? Necessary to find out how to improve relationships in the family, with your husband, with your wife To do this, you need a little, namely: learn and follow the rules of relations between husband and wife in the family.
So let's get started. To make your married life happy and improve family relationships, you need to: (pass the test for spouses) and (test for marital compatibility) 
AND:
1) Do not try to re-educate your husband (wife);
2) Sincerely admire each other’s virtues;
3) Pay more attention to each other;
4) Do not criticize minor shortcomings;
5) Don’t grumble about trifles, think about the Highest;
6) Always be polite and calm.
Also, from time to time ask yourself the following questions:
(for husbands to improve relationships with their wives)(how to understand your wife)
1) Do I still continue to care for my wife, giving her, sometimes, flowers, remembering her birthday, our wedding anniversary, or paying her minor signs of attention and showing unexpected tenderness?
2) Do I take care not to criticize my wife in front of strangers?
3) Do I try to understand her mood and help her during periods of fatigue, nervousness and irritability?
4) Do I tactfully refrain from comparing my wife with my mother, or with my friend's wife in matters of cooking and housekeeping, if the comparison is not in my wife's favor?
5) Do I show a genuine interest in my wife's intellectual life, her society, the books she reads, her views on social issues, etc.?
6) Do I allow my wife to dance with other men, accept friendly attentions from them, without making jealous remarks?
7) Do I take every opportunity to praise my wife and express my admiration?
8) Do I thank my wife for all sorts of small services (sewed on a button, ironed a shirt, darned socks, etc.)?
And, a few questions that wives need to ask themselves in order improve relationship with husband
How to understand a man?
1) Am I making an effort to make Our home interesting and attractive?
2) Do I make the home menu varied so that my husband, when he sits down at the table, does not know what he will be served?
3) Do I live in the interests of my husband?
4) Am I making an effort to live harmoniously with my mother-in-law and other in-laws?
That's probably all. To better understand yourself and your husband (wife) and improve family relationships, I suggest taking tests in the diagnostics and testing section
By fulfilling these requirements and learning about yourself and your relationships from the tests, you will improve your relationship with your husband or wife and make your married life happy. And if the spouses are happy, then their children will be happy.
I wish you all good luck in achieving happiness in your married and family life!
Greetings to all! Today I want to tell you how to improve relationships with your spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend. The basis for this article was, which was supported by my readers.
I asked them to email me about their relationship problems and based on their responses, I have tried to present the most common relationship problems among couples in this article. I also based myself on my past life mistakes with my wife. From these mistakes I drew conclusions, which I will gladly share in these rules.
Rule 1 - Take responsibility
We have all heard a lot about how important it is to be able to accept responsibility in a relationship. And what catastrophes lead to the fact that partners begin to shift the blame for their actions and words onto another person or blame circumstances for everything.
But for me, accepting responsibility means not only openly admitting your guilt, but, most importantly, it means being ready to correct what happened due to your fault. People who blame their partner or someone else for their troubles, but not themselves, simply capitulate to difficulties and give up. “It’s not my fault, so I can’t do anything about it!”
But taking responsibility means coming to the conclusion: “Yes, this happened because of me, which means I can influence it!”
I understand how difficult it can be to admit to your partner that you made a mistake, that you could have done better than you did. And it is most difficult to do this in those moments when your pride is hurt. But if you don’t do this, then you will turn away from the problem and it will remain hanging, unresolved, in the space of your relationship.
It subconsciously seems to you that by admitting mistakes, you are demonstrating weakness. But in fact, by accepting responsibility, stepping over your wounded pride and self-esteem, you show real strength! Because it is much easier to blame someone else than to admit your mistake! The desire to point out the true causes of the problem and correct them, even if you created these causes, is a sign of true courage and wisdom.
Where does your responsibility in a relationship begin and end? I believe that it extends much further than many of you are accustomed to think. You are responsible not only for your actions, but also for your reaction to events.
If your wife infuriated you with her unfair accusation, and you offended her in return, then not only your spouse is to blame for starting to unfairly accuse you, but also you. Your responsibility lies in the fact that you could not control yourself and led to a scandal, although you could have solved the problem more calmly. You are a free person and you are responsible for your reaction, no one can force you to get angry, irritated and lose your temper. You are the only one who loses your temper.
If your husband doesn’t want to give up his bad habits, despite your assurances, think about it: maybe you pressed him too hard, blamed him, instead of being understanding and offering a way out of the problem?
But taking responsibility does not mean blaming yourself for everything. This means coming to realize how much you and your partner can be involved in solving the problem, rather than turning your back on it. In the examples above, both partners are responsible for the problem. And believe me, if you take on part of your responsibility, rather than completely shifting it onto your partner, then it will be much easier for your partner to realize his own participation in the problem.
Agree, there is a big difference between:
“I’m so tired of you constantly blaming me for everything! You can’t live without your claims!”
“I think my mistake is that I lost my temper, I shouldn’t have shouted at you and provoked a conflict. Your accusations are probably not without foundation, but you express them in a very aggressive manner, and it seems to me that they are partly unfair. Let's figure this out. I don’t need to shout, and you need to learn to express your opinion calmly.”
I'm not saying that both spouses are to blame for every conflict. What I'm trying to say is how important it is to solve every problem in a family together! After all, relationships are not only about you, they are also about the other person. And if both partners do not take an active part in the relationship, then such a relationship will collapse.
And if you and your partner cannot share responsibility for the conflict, then use a good rule. Instead of arguing about who is right and who is wrong, ask yourself: “What can I personally do to improve the situation?” Believe me, if each partner is guided by this simple principle, then developing their relationships and finding a way out of problematic situations will become much easier.
Rule 2 - Don't leave conflicts unattended
I know how much I want to hug after the heat of a quarrel has passed, give my tense nerves a rest and calmly forget about what the conflict was about until the next similar one happens. Don't make this common mistake in your relationship! Yes, give yourself time, calm down, make peace, but then return to analyzing the causes of the conflict. Why did it happen? Who is responsible for it? How can you and your spouse solve this problem?
But don't get attached to the temporary excitement caused by the truce. Now you want to act, but soon your fervor will pass. So as not to give up and return to ignoring the problem. Discuss, as specifically as possible, each other's actions aimed at eliminating the conflict. When will you begin these actions? What will these actions be? What approximate timeframes do you see for overcoming the problem?
If one of you constantly loses your temper and becomes overly emotional, start doing practices that help you balance your emotions, such as yoga or.
If conflicts occur due to bad habits of your spouse, then find a way to help the person get rid of these habits. But let those who struggle with addiction not be left alone! Let him see understanding, love and willingness to provide any support from his partner.
Don't focus only on what you know. If you don’t know a way to solve your problem, this does not mean that such a method does not exist. If you really want to overcome some difficulty, you will find how to do it. Because he who seeks will always find! And all the obstacles are created only by laziness.
Resolve conflicts constructively instead of yelling at each other, and then hugging and forgetting everything until the next quarrel.
Rule 3 - Be less offended and forgive
Resentment in a relationship serves as a way to influence your partner: “look how bad you did, so I won’t talk to you”. Or this could be a way of revenge: “Because you did this, I will be offended by you”. The danger of resentment is the same as the danger of passionate reconciliation, after which we forget what the conflict was about. Emotions slowly subside, resentment passes: after all, we cannot be angry forever. And sometimes it seems to us that with our resentment we have already solved the problem. Or we showed our partner how offended we were, and now we think that he himself will understand everything and correct himself. Or we have endured a “preventive” period of no communication with each other, during which, as it seems to us, our relationship has restored itself and can continue further.
But this is a deceptive feeling, and it can happen not only to you, but also to your partner. Neither you nor he will want to return to a conflict that seems to have already been resolved.
But it is always better to return to the causes of the conflict, as I said in the previous paragraph. If you want to influence your partner, it is always better to do this in the form of a calm, constructive dialogue rather than resentment. Well, revenge certainly won’t make your relationship better.
Some people are also offended because they unconsciously understand the absurdity of their claims, they understand that it is better not to express them directly, but to be offended and not say anything about it is just right! Avoid such games! At all Avoid any methods of manipulating your partner’s feelings, one of which is resentment.
But even if you are offended, then know how to forgive!
Rule 4 - Admit your guilt
It can be very important for your partner that you admit your guilt and are sincerely repentant. Even after the conflict has exhausted itself and you have made peace, do not be lazy to apologize, say how sorry you are if you feel your own mistake. Forget that before this you defended yourself with ardor and did not want to admit responsibility, step over your pride and say that you were wrong. But just do it with a pure heart and sincere intentions!
There is no need to do it as a favor or present it as a generous and noble act in the expectation that your partner will immediately fall on his face before your repentance. Be prepared that your apology may be met coldly and without enthusiasm. You should not react to this as if your noble gesture was not appreciated. Believe me time will pass, and your repentance will fall like hard cash into the treasury of your relationship!
Rule 5 - Listen to others, learn to take criticism soberly
In the midst of a conflict, when partners exchange accusations and claims, no one actually listens to anyone. Each of the parties to the conflict is in a state of attack or defense, but not of perception and understanding. Our psyche is structured in such a way that we first of all try to defend ourselves from criticism, find contradictions in it, find the most convincing refutation, or respond to it with counter-criticism. The problem is that we do not always think about how it really is, we do not see the truth, obeying the ancient psychic mechanism. And we think that since it seems to us that we are right, it means that we are really right.
Try to change these habitual patterns and instead of immediately looking for another counterargument in a quarrel, think about how valid the criticism addressed to you is? Try to distract yourself from your resentment and irritation. Don't let your wounded Ego run ahead of you like a man stung by a bee.
The Ego stung by criticism makes you think: “I feel like I was wronged, I have to respond.” It prevents you from looking at the problem from another person's perspective. But if we first try to imagine how the other person sees everything, then we will become much more objective and understand our partner better, therefore, we will not react so sharply to criticism and perceive it more soberly.
Just take a time out, calm your emotions, silence the wounded pride that again and again brings you back to the grievances of your “I”. And calmly concentrate on your partner, try to mentally move into him. How does he see the situation in the context of what you know about him and your relationship history? Why is he criticizing you? What reasons does he have for this? How does he react to some of your actions, how does he feel? Does he himself allow such actions towards you? How would you feel if you were treated like this?
During this mental exercise, your Ego will, like a magnet, attract your thoughts back to itself, to the “I” position, as soon as you notice this, smoothly shift your attention to the “HE-SHE (She feels, she wants)” position. When you try this, you will understand that it is not at all easy to go beyond your Self, your desires and put yourself in the place of another person. But everything comes with experience and you can learn over time to change your egocentric perception of everything.
I can’t say that this exercise will necessarily lead you to see only your fault for what happened. No, you will simply begin to understand your partner better and perceive criticism more soberly.
Also ask yourself: How can criticism help you? Yes, exactly to help. Listening to criticism means not perceiving it as a way to undermine your dignity or lower your self-esteem. This is an opportunity to gain insight into your shortcomings, weaknesses, or understand how your partner perceives you.
Imagine that you came to see a doctor for an examination and he told you: "You have bad posture" excess weight and elevated cholesterol levels". It is not very reasonable to answer him: “Look at yourself, you’re not very slim yourself!” Of course, it would be right to listen to the doctor’s words and take advantage of his recommendations, for example, eat less fatty foods and go to the gym.
But why can't we always listen to the words of our other half, even if they relate to our character and personality? After all, we can also change it, recognize our shortcomings and get rid of them, just as we can correct problems with overweight. Understand that criticism is not meant to remind you of your weaknesses. it gives you the opportunity to improve, to become better!
Of course, it is not always adequate. But if it doesn’t correspond to reality, what’s the point of being offended and worried? And if it is true, then even more so you should not react with retaliatory accusations! Most often there is a mixed version: criticism becomes exaggerated, intensified by emotions and resentment, embellished with speculation. And the true wisdom of relationships lies in being able to isolate from it what is really true and use it to better understand yourself. And at the same time, do not respond to empty and unfounded accusations.
I will explain everything said in this paragraph with an example from my family life. My wife sometimes tells me: "You never listen to me", when I, once again buried in my work, let her words fall on deaf ears.
Of course, my Self does not accept such a harsh formulation: “Never!” (after all, this is not true!) and begins to defend himself. My first reaction was usually: “Yes, you’re exaggerating everything, you’re just distracting me, I can’t switch quickly when I’m working, you yourself can’t find the moments when it’s better to contact me.”. But when you try to distract yourself from your Self, a slightly different picture emerges.
Indeed, often, when my wife contacts me, I do not react, even if I am not busy with work, but just think about something ( I consider this conflict in the context of the history of the relationship in order to understand how she perceives it). Have I noticed such a reaction on her part ( does she act like that?)? When I talk to her, most often she listens to me. But if she constantly ignored my words, then I would probably be offended by it ( what if I were in her place?). And resentment causes emotions due to which she says: “You never listen!” ( what feelings does she have?) Of course, this is an exaggeration, I often listen to what she is trying to tell me. This exaggeration is due to feelings, but these feelings are understandable. I probably need to be more attentive and learn to listen to my spouse when she talks to me, and not get lost in my own thoughts. I will simply become more attentive in life if I learn to listen to her ( How will this help me become a better person?).
Rule 6 - Pay attention to the positive aspects
It just so happens that we gradually get used to the virtues of our other half. They become a given for us, and we mostly begin to notice the shortcomings. These shortcomings are seen especially clearly in comparison with other couples. After I had lived with my future wife for several years, I began to think that perhaps we were not suitable for each other, that we were different in many ways. I began to obsess over the differences and shortcomings, and at one time they seemed to represent the only and most significant problem.
And only a few years later I realized how much we actually have in common. And this commonality and similarity manifests itself in such basic things that you quickly get used to them, and sometimes it is difficult to discern, especially if you start thinking only about the differences and shortcomings of your partner. And the nuances, they are nuances, are to stand out against the background of general patterns, attracting attention to themselves.
People are different from each other and everyone has their shortcomings. You will not be able to find an ideal person or someone ideally similar to you. You just have to accept it.
Try not to constantly compare your partner with others. Try to think about what is good about him, how you are similar to him, instead of thinking only about the bad. Why did you love him? Maybe for understanding, for his character, for his intelligence, for those things that remain in him now, but you just stopped paying attention to them? Imagine these virtues in your mind and mentally thank the person for having them. Better yet, tell your friend in words young man how grateful you are to him for his qualities and how you love him for it! He will be very pleased; he will see that his merits are appreciated and not ignored. Go ahead and do it today when you see it! And in general, try to praise him more often (but don’t overdo it, avoid flattery) so that he can see how dear he is to you, and that you can discern in him what he perhaps values most in himself, what he tries to maintain and develop .
Of course, it happens that your partner is practically nothing but flaws. In this case, there is no need to look for a grain of good in it in order to grab onto it. Something needs to change in the relationship here.
And remember, look positive sides in another person does not mean coming to terms with his shortcomings. Try to help him correct his shortcomings. But you don’t need to use them alone to make up the appearance of a person.
Rule 7 - Be sincere and open
There is a wonderful classic serial film by Ingmar Bergman “Scenes from a Marriage”. The film shows how insincerity, secrecy, and avoidance of “forbidden” topics can lead an apparently prosperous relationship to collapse.
Don’t bring your relationship to what the characters in this picture brought it to (divorce). Remember, there are no “taboo” topics in a relationship. If you are tormented by doubts, fears, insecurities, tell your partner about it. Tell him what you don’t like in your relationship, listen to what he experiences discomfort and displeasure. Discuss it and come to a compromise. There is no need to avoid “touchy” issues like sex, because this is also part of the relationship.
Of course, you should not try to forcefully find out all the secrets of your spouse, but rather reveal all your past secrets yourself. You also need to maintain a balance in this, just like in everything else that concerns your relationship.
Rule 8 - Develop your relationships by developing yourself!
It would be a big mistake to think that relationships will develop on their own once you start them. Relationships require constant attention and involvement of both partners.
Development implies not only strengthening the connection, for example, the decision to live together, marry, or have children, but also the personal development of each partner!
Relationships sometimes require much more from people than loneliness and separate existence. Why? Because in order for the connection between two people to be strong and harmonious, both of them will need to step over that part of themselves that can be the hardest to step over! Through your selfishness, your endless desires.
Both partners need to learn to listen to the other, find a compromise, give in and care. But not everyone has these qualities and often they need to be developed. That is why I understand the problems of many young couples, which consist in the fact that there is a strong conflict of interests between two people, one of them or each is trying to do as he wants, without listening to the wishes of the partner.
And there is nothing surprising in this, just as there is nothing surprising in the fact that a person, starting to new job, performs it with errors, since he has no experience. But relationships also require experience and certain skills. It happens that before a person had his first relationship, there were no other people with their desires for him. There were his parents who cared for him, friends who didn't demand much. And he had only his “I”, with all his desires, which he was used to satisfying without making allowances for other people. He doesn't even understand that there is another person who also wants something. And the desires of partners do not always coincide.
The ability to find a compromise and listen to another person is a skill that needs to be developed. From my reasoning, it may seem that a relationship is some kind of prison, calling a person to give up what is dear to him for his precious personality. But that's not true. The development of compassion, empathy, the ability to say “no” to thousands of “I want” actually leads to freedom. Freedom from our selfish desires, our Ego that controls us. Altruism is not strict self-restraint, it is an attempt to free oneself from anger, self-indulgence, stubbornness, and self-obsession for the sake of shared happiness. And strong relationships, on the one hand, require a person to step over his egoism, on the other hand, they are an excellent school for the development of altruism, understanding and empathy. I will return to this idea in conclusion.
Relationships discipline and strengthen the personality and through this they themselves become stronger.
Rule 9 - Don't build relationships only around sex
In our free age, after the atmosphere of puritanical morality, which placed a taboo on discussing sex and belittling its role in the lives of spouses, began to evaporate in the relationships of people around the world, people began to strive from one extreme to the other. From the extreme of prohibition and secrecy to the extreme of openness and permissiveness.
Sex has become more and more important to people. Undoubtedly, it has considerable significance in a relationship. But here, too, a balance must be maintained, without overestimating the role of sexual intimacy.
Many people see the disaster in the fact that sex is not as varied and exciting as they would like it to be. This leads them to either break off existing relationships or seek outside relationships. But in fact, sexual pleasure is just one of the many forms of love; besides it, there are many manifestations of love!
Of course, there is nothing wrong with striving to improve the quality of your sex life. But you shouldn’t get hung up on it, believing that the lack of vigorous and frequent sex destroys your relationship, while everything else is fine. Maybe it's not the lack of daily pleasure that makes you unsatisfied? What makes you so is your irrepressible, unbridled desires, which you cannot fully satisfy, no matter how many partners you have and how often you have sex! You cannot give full play to your desires, not only because of some moral considerations, but because the more you indulge them, the hungrier, voracious and insatiable they become!
Constant sex with multiple partners will not make you happy, it will make you addicted!
The Puritan prohibitions also had their own wisdom, aimed at curbing spoilage, depravity and satiety. Although strict prohibitions are also extremes that should be avoided.
No matter how intense sex is, it is not able to bind two partners as tightly as empathy, friendship, deep understanding, care, love. To build a relationship around sex is to make it limited, weak, dependent and incomplete.
Rule 10 - Accept that you may have different interests
Your interests do not have to coincide in everything. There is no need to look for similarity in everything and suffer due to the lack of it. They asked me today. “Nikolai, I see that your wife’s website is dedicated to esotericism, and you yourself seem to be far from mysticism. How do you find a compromise between your views and your spouse’s beliefs?”
The fact of the matter is that I cannot say that we have agreement on this issue and that we are striving for it. My wife believes in things that I don't believe in, but that's okay! U different people different ideas and beliefs, that’s how we are made. And the art of relationships is to stop making a big deal out of it, to accept the fact that people are different.
It took me a lot of work and time to learn a little not to take the beliefs of my other half with hostility, not to argue about every issue, not to criticize them. I realized how important what she believes in is important to her and I began to respect and appreciate it. After all, it brings joy and peace of mind to the person I love.
I can’t say that we are trying hard to come to some kind of compromise, a synthesis of my views and hers with her beliefs. Despite the fact that we agree in many places, there are places where we categorically disagree with each other. But we try to just leave it as it is and calmly accept it. Why should one person change his views to please another?
If your young man, for example, sometimes plays computer games, and you consider this a useless and stupid activity, then you do not need to try to convince him every time of the nonsense he is doing, if it does not cause much harm to the family. If he allows himself to do this on rare occasions, then leave everything as it is. Respect other people's small and harmless weaknesses. And the height of your generosity and understanding would be, for example, to give him some kind of computer game, even if you think it’s a waste of money. But it will be pleasant for your young man!
Personally, it took me a lot of effort to accept even my wife’s small expenses on esotericism, which, naturally, I considered pointless. But I think I managed to get through this stage and come to the understanding that she likes it, the way she loves it, therefore, these expenses cannot be empty. And I am very glad that I managed to overcome this rejection in myself.
On the other hand, if you yourself are a young man whose spouse accuses him of devoting a couple of hours a week computer games, take it calmly. There is no need to prove to her in the heat of the moment that you are developing yourself in this way and enter into polemics and quarrels. Yes, your wife cannot understand you, but leave it as it is, do not try to come to an agreement through quarrels and insults. If you stop responding to her attacks, then sooner or later she will run out of “fuel” for accusations.
I don’t want to say at all that there is no need to strive for understanding and compromise. Try to understand how important certain things are to your spouse. But if you just can’t understand it, these things seem empty and stupid to you, just accept it and give your loved one the opportunity to enjoy them. But here you also shouldn’t take this principle to the extreme and allow your partner to engage in some completely destructive behavior, for example, drinking every day or getting involved in drugs. Everything has a limit.
Rule 11 - Know how to say no!
You should not constantly indulge the absurd demands of your spouse. If your significant other, for example, requires you to account for every step you take, outside of his or her presence, then you do not have to satisfy this desire. There is no need to feed other people's shortcomings, such as fear and paranoia. You should not think that by denying your husband or wife something deeply unpleasant to you, you will lose his love and respect. On the contrary, this way you will preserve and demonstrate your own independence, the presence of your own will and your desires.
Rule 12 - Maintain a balance between time spent together and the independence of each partner
Try not to impose yourself too much on your partner. Give him room for independence. You shouldn't try to control his every move and try to fill all your time with being close to him. I understand that this advice is difficult to adhere to for those who see the meaning of life only in their love for one person. But the annoying desire to limit someone else's freedom may meet with resistance and rejection from your partner. To avoid feeling painfully attached to your husband or wife, learn to spend time alone with yourself. After all, in a relationship there should be room for both loneliness and your personal affairs. Find something you enjoy, that brings you joy, that you can do and be passionate about when your partner is not around. Don’t reduce your whole life only to your relationships, expand the horizons of your hobbies and activities!
But at the same time, concern for one’s own independence should not develop into promiscuity and neglect of relationships. Yes, on the one hand, you shouldn’t try to spend all your time in each other’s arms, but you also shouldn’t neglect the care of the relationship and the attention that you can give to your spouse. And there is no need to endure the fact that your significant other does not pay attention to you at all. How to find balance?
Meetings should not be too infrequent if you have serious relationship, but at the same time, you don’t have to see each other every day, unless, of course, both want it. If your husband sometimes meets with friends or work partners, then there is nothing wrong with that, he should have his own life. But if this develops into everyday events after work, when he doesn’t see you anyway, then this is already going beyond the scope. In general, there cannot be precise recommendations on how not to cross a certain line between imposition and the right to independence. You need to rely on your wisdom. Remember, the devil lives in extremes!
Rule 13 - Don't play daisy
“Everything is so good with us, he is wonderful and caring, but I think my strong feelings for him have disappeared.” People often make a big problem out of the fact of lack of feelings.
Don't take weakening feelings as a symptom that there are problems in the relationship and some action needs to be taken. Don't get attached to feelings, because they are temporary and impermanent. Passion and intense love pass, such is human nature. Even when they appear in a relationship, they are not permanent: sometimes they are there, sometimes they are not, sometimes you feel some kind of surge of tenderness towards your partner, but at another moment, listening to yourself, you understand that these feelings do not exist.
If you put such an unreliable and fickle thing as feelings at the basis of your relationship, then your relationship will become just as unreliable and fickle. This is the same as building exclusively wind power plants in one country. The weather is very changeable, so the supply of electricity to cities will be very unstable.
I'm not saying that you should completely neglect emotions. You just shouldn't see them as the only criterion for your relationship. You shouldn't get attached to them. If your husband is really caring and sensitive, if everything is fine with you, then you don’t need to constantly play daisy and try to evoke feelings in yourself. This way, on the contrary, you will only attract tension and doubts, which will prevent you from discerning any emotions. Therefore, relax, enjoy the relationship, stop thinking about it, and then the feelings will come on their own, and then go away again, only to return later. After all, they are as unpredictable an element as the wind!
Or perhaps, having relaxed, you will understand that the feelings have always been there, just because of your desire for strong experiences, for unbridled passion, you have already forgotten how to distinguish softer emotions. The abundance of bright sensual colors at the beginning of a relationship can distort your vision, so that you temporarily stop seeing calm tones.
The same can apply to your expectations of your partner. Don't expect him to always be Romeo in love. His feelings are as fickle as yours. Make allowance for the fact that men, as a rule, are more restrained in expressing their feelings than women.
Rule 14 - Learn diplomacy
I am sure that many of those reading this article are faced with the problem that they would like to positively influence their partner, but they cannot. Your partner does not pay attention to you or has shortcomings that he does not want to correct, and you cannot set him on the right path. You are worried about your relationships and have a very noble desire to fix them. I think that those who are used to letting things take their course are unlikely to read about how to fix relationships. So, this is a small compliment to you.
Changing, correcting a partner is very difficult task and not always feasible. I know this first hand. For a long time, my wife could not do absolutely anything about my laziness, indifference, violent emotions, promiscuity, irresponsibility and immaturity. Of course, I didn’t want to listen to anything, because, as it seemed to me, I myself knew everything better than anyone, and no one could be my decree. And I understand that such pride is characteristic of many people, especially men. They, to a greater extent than women, are subject to the illusion that they know everything about everything, that they are always right. They always strive to form an opinion in advance about every thing in the world, even if they don’t understand something. They do not want to accept other people's help and support, and if they do use it, it is without gratitude.
I, of course, do not generalize and do not want to say that all men behave this way. I just met more men with the qualities described than women. Yes, I used to be like that myself. And no assurances must have helped me until I myself wanted to change.
Therefore, I understand how difficult it is to explain anything to a proud person, for whom it is much more important to remain in the paradigm of his ideas and beliefs, to feel right, than to correct himself, to become better. His pride, like a wall, can reflect all sincere attempts to help. So how can you influence your partner? I think that the issue of subtle diplomacy requires a separate article, which I may publish. But I will still give some tips.
There is no need to aggressively impose on a person any truths with which he does not agree. Encourage him to try everything from his own experience, to see for himself. Create the appearance that your partner reached everything on his own, and not at your direction. Praise him and show him how much you appreciate his efforts to overcome his shortcomings.
But at the same time, do not scold for failures, encourage you to calmly try again and again. There is no need to tell him how bad he is; rather, tell him how you suffer because of his shortcomings and how you would like him to overcome them. Conduct a dialogue with him, take an interest in his successes, offer new methods. Let him at least try, and if something doesn’t work, he will have the right to quit it. Help and guide, but at the same time leave room for independence.
Rule 15 - Build relationships on trust
The more trust you show in your partner, the more difficult it will be for him to betray that trust. After all, it is much worse to lose what you have than to simply confirm existing fears and suspicions. If possible, avoid paranoia, constant checks, surveillance, and leading questions. As I wrote in the article about, such behavior does not serve to strengthen relationships, but only slowly destroys them.
Although, of course, you cannot trust someone who constantly deceives you, excessive trust- this is also bad! Be careful, don’t let any crooks turn your head and play with your feelings. If a person has betrayed your trust one or more times, draw conclusions and be vigilant!
Rule 16 - Always do more than is required of you
Often old lovers get tired of any manifestation of initiative, creativity and desire for novelty. They each get used to their own unspoken responsibilities, and do not want to do anything that goes beyond their scope.
But new positive trends in relationships, fresh initiative are always good! This brings people together, awakens dormant feelings, helps them feel care and warmth, rather than indifference and coldness. That's why give unexpected gifts and surprises, master a skill of family life that is alien to you. If you are a man, then start cooking, making this responsibility easier for your wife. If you are a woman, think of something pleasant and useful you can do to please and surprise your spouse. Be inventive and get creative.
Think about what your significant other wants, what can make his or her job easier and make him or her feel good. This is not just about doing unexpected surprise, but also about taking part in your partner’s life, stop focusing only on your life and your problems.
Rule 17 - Be willing to let go of a dead-end relationship
This article provides tips on how to build and improve your relationship. I believe that it is better to try several times to fix a potentially good relationship than to end it. My wife did not leave me five years ago, despite my inability then to think about anyone other than myself. Since then, I have changed decisively, realized my mistakes and corrected them, which also helped me write this article. But it took me a while to change, and I understand that well. Therefore, I encourage everyone to give their other half a chance, because who knows what might happen in the future from what we have now?
But here you need to maintain a balance. In general, this entire article is about balance. After all, relationships are the embodiment of compromise, and the art of leading relationships, just like , lies in the ability to balance between several extremes. Therefore, all the advice here is ambiguous, they do not tell you “do this, don’t do that”, they rather give us direction, relying on your wisdom to find a middle ground. Try to correct your partner, but at the same time do not press with all your weight. Give freedom, but at the same time do not allow relationships to be neglected. Give in, but in some situations say a clear “no.” Trying to understand other people's interests, but accepting that understanding is not always possible...
And I realize that despite the fact that in some situations it is better to fix the relationship, in other situations it is better to end it altogether. If your partner systematically behaves in ways that you do not like, despite your attempts to positively influence him. If he offends you, doesn’t manage anger well, lets himself go and doesn’t want to correct himself. If you have done everything to improve your relationship, but your efforts have led nowhere. If you constantly suffer because of other people's insults and unfair suspicions. Then it is better to think about ending such a relationship. Especially if you are still young and don't have children. Don't worry, you will find a much better partner. You don't deserve to be a martyr or work as someone's babysitter your whole life.
Conclusion - Relationships and Self-Development
The ability to maintain a relationship is determined by the personal skills of both partners: care, altruism, understanding of the other, the ability to give in and compromise. Relationships are not market economy , in which everyone can thrive only by taking care of themselves exclusively.
I returned to this issue again because it is the most important. And most problems in relationships occur precisely because of selfishness and unwillingness to put oneself in the place of another!
Relationships do not serve to satisfy your pride, lust, selfishness, but for the harmonious coexistence and development of two people! As I wrote above, relationships will help you develop altruism and understanding, as well as many other skills. In my opinion, a long-term relationship between a man and a woman is a school for self-development and personality education! And the positive experience that you gain from life with your wife or husband, you can apply in absolutely any relationship, with subordinates or bosses, with friends or opponents, with children or pensioners. It will also serve as a reliable support for you in many life situations. After all, diplomacy, patience, and the ability to listen are the qualities that are simply necessary to achieve success in life and personal happiness.
I often meet people who have relationship problems or no relationships at all. For some of them, relationships are a series of suffering and quarrels.
Others are simply in constant search, and they can’t find a permanent partner: all their attempts to maintain a long-term relationship turn into failure. Still others are simply not looking for anyone, or they really doubt themselves, or they just like to be alone.
But in many cases, all these people have one thing in common: it is not only changeable fortune or a poor choice of partners that prevents them from finding family happiness. Often these people simply lack personal qualities, without which it will be difficult to maintain these relationships. These people are infantile, lack a sense of responsibility, overly demanding and harsh, or, on the contrary, extremely soft-bodied, cannot cope with their changeable emotions, do not know how to listen and understand the needs of other people, are selfish, self-contained and shy, prone to fears and anxieties. This list can be continued for a long time, but one thing is important: if a person wants a long-term relationship, then he must have some qualities.
(I'm not going to say that all single people are like this. Not at all. Some of them really like solitude and independence. They feel self-sufficient and are able to lead a harmonious life without any permanent relationships. I have nothing against it, it's everyone's personal choice I also want to clarify that if you realize that you have strong problems in your relationship, this does not necessarily mean that the problem is rooted in your personality.It happens that the reason for this is related to your partner or external factors.
But, nevertheless, what I wrote about above happens, and often.)
This does not mean that he should have these qualities from the beginning. Every person can change for the better and love and family connection can help him in this.
I view human relationships as fertile ground for the personal development of two people united by one bond. By strengthening this relationship, you will not only make the connection with your husband or wife more reliable, but you yourself will become better and happier.
The fact that your relationship with your beloved wife went wrong is only your fault. A woman is a sensitive and more intelligent creature than you think, so many features of male behavior can offend her. Before you improve your relationship with your wife, understand that they often hoard negative feelings and emotions for a long time, so her breakdowns, resentment towards you and hysterics did not appear out of nowhere. Recognize that you also make mistakes and they can greatly offend your wife. And further. We will never know what a woman really wants. How can I improve my relationship with my wife? Here are some tips.
Listen to her
Not when your wife reprimands you in her hearts about how bad you are, but just every day. For women, words and subtleties of relationships are important, both yours and those of friends or characters in the series. The wife not only loves with her ears, but is also able to tell a lot. She may be embarrassed to tell you what doesn’t suit her, but it will definitely slip into her conversation. She perceives your indifference to her speeches as a lack of interest in her. And further. The wife believes that you should understand all her hints. Should not. But try to listen to her for at least five minutes a day. This way you can learn a lot about how your wife lives, what worries her, and what she really wants. This way you will solve many problems. After all, she listens to everything you say, so why would you respond in kind?
Hug her
And do it regularly. Yes, women love with their ears, but the world of tactile sensations is also of great importance for them. When you hug her, you give her a feeling of security, and this is exactly what a woman always needs. This does not mean that you need to hug her all the time, just without letting go of her. In addition, you should not hug her while she is doing household chores, especially if you do it unexpectedly. This way you can run into negativity or even get injured. In addition, you should not rush into hugs when your wife is offended or upset - you will not help her, and if you are to blame for her offense or upset, she will perceive it as violence against her feelings.
Tell her how you feel
If you confessed your love to her once, this does not mean that more is needed and she will always remember it. Even if not all your actions towards your wife are ideal, words of love can fix everything. The fact is that women do not have any given values and their mood and feelings change many times a day. This depends on hormones and is due to the lability of the female psyche. And they are sure that the same thing is happening to you, which means that you could stop loving her...
This is the reason for the constant feminine response: “Do you love me?” She wants to make sure that everything is okay and your feelings are still there, which means everything is okay. To avoid listening to this annoying question, confess your love to her more often.
Give compliments
This is also due to the fact that a woman loves with her ears. During the period when you were dating, you constantly showered her with compliments, but with the beginning of family life this goes somewhere. But in vain. What once helped you win the heart of a beauty will also help you improve your relationship with your wife. But there is also one peculiarity here. Women love any compliments, but it is important for them that you appreciate one particular advantage, for example, your culinary skills. She will appreciate such a compliment above others, and a minor remark on this topic may be perceived as an insult. Experiencedly find out which compliments are most valuable to your loved one, and for this... give compliments and watch the reaction. And the most important thing. When you tell your wife what you value in her, you develop and reinforce those qualities. If you constantly scold her, then with your words you are raising a bitch that you don’t love so much. So, if you want a queen by your side, call your wife queen. And further. Master the art of giving compliments in an original way, rather than churning them out.
Bring something new to bed
A woman needs sex no less than you. For her, however, what is important is not so much physical satisfaction as the opportunity to get closer to her loved one. In addition, the dynamics of sexual contacts are very important to women. If, for example, you used to do this every day, but now you don’t have sex for several days in a row, she may think that you don’t want her anymore.
Well, don't forget that sex life need to diversify. This is your task too. You can also improve your relationship with your loved one simply by doing what she likes in bed.
Spend time together
This will help bring you closer if there is a chill between you. It's better to do what your wife likes. Let it even be watching a series, but together. Perfect option— a romantic dinner with a bottle of delicious wine. If you spend such evenings regularly, the relationship will improve faster. And it’s just that going out together brings people closer together.
Spend time apart
So that she has time to miss you. The ideal option is a separate vacation.
other methods
Be at least a little attentive and loving husband. Bring her sweets, flowers or champagne, come up with some interesting surprise.
Help her with housework. This is generally one of the highest manifestations of love. Prove with your small actions that she can rely on your strong shoulder and strong hands. Try cooking dinner several days in a row. Perhaps after this you will be convinced that household chores are a lot of work, and your wife bears a heavy burden and does everything to make her husband comfortable.
Kiss her, touch gently and in general, express your feelings with your hands and lips.
Give her freedom. Do you have the right to sit with friends? And she also has the right to go to a cafe with her friends or simply do something other than you and work. Her communication with friends or hobbies is the same psychological relief as hanging out in the garage with friends. And if she has a hobby, that’s doubly good: while she’s mastering pylon or embroidery, she can have a beer with the guys...
Don't talk about unnecessary things. You need to relax with your wife, and not constantly plunge into the routine of your problems.
Try picking her up from work. If you finish work before your wife, you can come and pick her up from work. She will be proud of your action.
Watch an interesting movie with her. If this is her favorite melodrama, it will put you in a romantic mood, and if it’s a drama, you can discuss and even find a hint on how to solve your problems, but if it’s a comedy, then laughter will bring you together.
Give money not only for management household, but also for small joys. This is equivalent to a gift. Even if your spouse works and has enough money for herself, this will be a sign to her that you care about her and her mood.
There is no answer to the question of what a woman really wants, and in general, no one can solve this mystery. We can definitely say that a woman wants affection, security and tenderness from her loved one. This is what will help restore the shaken peace in your family.
Hello. Dear psychologists! I am a man, I am 34 years old. I ask you for advice on the issue family relations. My wife and I have been married for ten years, we have two sons, they are eight years old and three and a half years old. We live in a separate apartment, living conditions are good.
But here's the problem. For several years now my wife has been very cold towards me. For my part, I always try to say kind words to her, give her flowers or just hug her, even when I don’t have the strength after work. But she says she’s tired, moves away from me, goes to another room or bathroom. At first I thought: maybe something was unpleasant for her in our relationship, I tried to talk to her. But the wife says that everything is fine, everything suits her. She works as a doctor, maybe she really is so tired that she has no time for affection. But now the eldest son began to ask his mother why she didn’t want to hug his dad. I calm him down, saying that mom is just tired. But I myself feel that psychologically my wife and I have begun to grow apart.
It offends me. After all, I do everything for the family, provide for my wife and children. I study with the kids, play, and try to be an exemplary father. Bad habits No. Doing sports. By profession he is a military engineer. While the children were very small, I tried to help my wife in everything. I understand that it is not easy for a woman during this period and she needs support. But our intimate life practically ceased at that time. IN Last year My wife stopped sleeping with me and sleeps with my youngest son. I understand that she is trying for the children, but at the same time my wife directly says that she does not want to sleep in the room with me.
Sorry for my frankness, but we have intimacy no more than twice a month and always on my initiative. I talked about this topic with my wife, but she replied that she was satisfied with everything. At the same time, I want to give her pleasure - to caress her, hug her, without demanding anything in return, it’s just nice to be near my loved one. But she does not accept my advances, she says that she does not need it. If intimacy happens, then everything happens very quickly, in the dark and without foreplay. I have long felt psychological discomfort in this area of life, but I am trying to set myself up in a positive way. I try to let my wife go to her friends, I stay with the kids. Once I even sent her on a seaside holiday abroad: she really wanted to. There was no betrayal on my part. For me, family is the meaning of life. I love my wife, she is beautiful, smart, takes care of the children. But it turns out that our temperaments are different. I tried to find some kind of entertainment together, but she doesn’t want to go to the cinema or the theater with me. I go to children's performances with my kids, with whom I spend everything free time. Recently I caught myself thinking that we live as relatives, but not as husband and wife. What worries me is that my wife doesn’t see this as a problem. But I want to live with this person all my life, but what will we do when the children grow up and they don’t need me as much as they do now? I am sure that my wife does not have another man, she is not that kind of person. Following your advice, I always try to work on myself; when you explain everything, it becomes easier. Forgive me for the discordant letter. Maybe, of course, I’m exaggerating and everything is fine with us. But I would really like to improve my relationship with my wife. Thank you for listening, if you find the opportunity to answer, I will be grateful to you.
Answer from theSolution psychologist:
If you feel discomfort and dissatisfaction, then there is a problem. And it is important to resolve it so that your life is truly happy and harmonious. There is no need to ignore your needs. Just as you shouldn’t ignore problems. How more people ignores the problem, the more damage it brings to his life. Happy Yours family life this won't make it happen. let's consider possible ways resolution of the current situation.
Solving problems through collaboration
To resolve family problems, the efforts of two are important. The family operates on the principle of cooperation and partnership. This means that partners are equal and equally important to the relationship. They bear equal responsibility for the quality of the relationship and the efforts of both of them are necessary for the relationship to develop, become deeper and stronger.
In a relationship, the opinions, needs and desires of both partners are equally important. Loving people discuss how they can help each other meet their individual needs. In controversial issues, compromises are found. Loving people are not indifferent to each other's needs.
If the need is not satisfied for a long time, the situation turns into a problem. And if you feel that there is a problem, then it really exists. There is no need to doubt yourself and your feelings. After all, who but you can know what you need for happiness and the degree of satisfaction with life or relationships. This parameter is subjective, because we are all different and cannot judge others by ourselves. Your feelings are designed to help you satisfy your needs and build your happy life.
Relationships in chronology
Of course, the relationship between spouses changes with the advent of children. Their world is no longer wrapped up in each other's interests and needs. Their time and energy are now distributed among at least three people. And in your case – four. And, of course, a big burden falls on the woman. She is more tired than before. She gets tired not only physically, but also emotionally. She may even stop thinking about herself and her needs completely, completely immersing herself in caring for children and family. Therefore, in the absence of energy, she no longer has the desire to have a pleasant time with her husband, to feel feminine, attractive and sexy. Perhaps she has an unconscious feeling of anger associated with unmet expectations or conflicts experienced. Behind the apparent coldness there may be an unresolved marital conflict.
An important point is whether your relationship was different before the birth of children? Were they as passionate as you wanted them to be? Were you satisfied with your sexual relationship with your spouse before children came into your life? If before everything suited you and you were happy, then you and your wife just need to learn how to maintain a passionate relationship, despite life changes. It's important to understand that this is normal. And sometimes people are simply not ready for this, that their lives change, because they do not have the right tools, how to develop relationships when they have already become deep enough and differ from the original ones.
If you think that the problem is precisely the difference in sexual needs, then this question is more complex. When people have very different needs, finding a common denominator becomes more difficult. Because this means that one of them will have to do something that he does not want, does not like, or is unpleasant. In this case, the couple is unlikely to be happy. It is important to understand what changes each partner is willing to make in order to create a happy and harmonious relationship. IN difficult cases You can consult a psychotherapist and sexologist.
Creating a happy relationship means listening to each other and working together on the relationship.
It is important not to abdicate responsibility for creating your own happy life. A person feels a feeling of happiness every time he satisfies his need, achieves his goal, or gets what he wants. And the task of the person himself is to ensure that his needs are met. To do this, you don’t need to strive to please and earn self-love, because this is basically impossible to do. This format of relationship is more likely to be built on an intangible (or material) payment for the functional usefulness of one person to another: “if you are useful, I will encourage your behavior.”
The desire to receive love in exchange for meeting the expectations of another person is a desire. A person says literally the following in a non-verbal way: “I do what you want, I strive to please you, guess what you need and give it to you - I’m good, so in return I expect to get what I need.” This approach is ineffective and perpetuates the Victim role in the relationship. It is important to openly discuss your needs and look for ways to meet them.
Please note that you need confirmation from your son that your wife is not attentive to you. That everything is fine with you, and you deserve love because you strive to be a good husband and do everything that you understand to do good husband. You are truly worthy of love and you don't have to earn it. Open and mutual condemnation of problems and needs allows you to abandon psychological games according to the Victim - Accuser - Savior scheme, and resolve all situations constructively.
Develop emotional intimacy in your relationships
This will allow you and your spouse to communicate more openly and trustingly. Talk about what worries you, what you would like, what topics are important to you. allows you to really trust your partner with your thoughts and feelings, without hiding them, and to be truly close people. You can agree to set aside 40-60 minutes for these conversations several times a week or every day. Agree not to judge or criticize each other. You need to listen and be understanding. Discuss your needs and find out your partner's opinion on this issue. That is, what is acceptable for him and what is not. This way you can get to know each other really well and be truly close and dear to each other. Such communication is necessary for a married couple to make their relationship harmonious and happy. Create such a ritual and perform it with joy. The main condition is not to criticize, condemn or oppose your opinion to the opinion of your partner, even if it seems to you that what he says sounds strange. Acceptance allows people to truly trust each other and be truly close.
Maintain Passion in Your Relationship with Periods of Emotional Distance
Passion is necessary for a couple to have a happy sexual relationship. A passionate relationship is the opposite state of emotional intimacy. Therefore, when spouses get closer emotionally, passion disappears. You can learn to maintain passionate relationships if you master the psychological skill of emotional distance and emotional closeness. It is important to alternate these two states - emotional distance and closeness - because they are both important and are the key to a happy relationship for many years.
For an erotic impulse to arise, emotional space between a man and a woman is necessary. The personal space of each of them in this case becomes much larger than with emotional intimacy. They behave like people independent from each other, do things that are interesting to each of them, discuss, sometimes argue, express independent opinions, respect the inviolability of personal boundaries, their life outside the family is rich and interesting. At the same time, their interest in each other grows significantly, they feel that their partner is independent, they want to get to know him, they want to get closer to him, to reduce space, they want to possess him. This passion is typical at the beginning of a relationship and can be maintained after many years of marriage. Usually, over time, emotional intimacy develops and people simply do not have any personal space left. They are very clear to each other, they perceive each other as relatives, in fact, as part of themselves, they cease to maintain interest in each other.
In order for there to be passion, it is important to create the necessary conditions for this and give each other more personal space. When people are constantly in an emotional fusion, there is no necessary psychological space to create passion.
In order for problems to be solved, it is important to discuss them!
Tagged7 thoughts on “ For several years now my wife has been very cold towards me. It offends me. How to improve your relationship with your wife?”
- Alexei
Hello. I have the same situation, it’s painful, but my wife just says that she doesn’t love me, I just don’t know what to do. This has been going on for 4 years, I don’t want to leave my family, I love my wife and children very much, and that’s okay for me It’s just disgusting to go. I just don’t know what to do!
- Igor
The psychologist’s advice is clearly not working, apparently from women. very consumer advice. carry on in style, look after, talk, share…. But what's the point... if a wife doesn't want to change, she won't change, advice will only help create an illusion for a while. your comrades’ wives don’t love you anymore, and won’t love you...they are used to getting everything (women are such people, it’s convenient to sit on the neck, arrange food for themselves and, having secured their offspring, live as they please, worrying about unrealized opportunities) try to take something away from your wife, your salary card , car, oooh you will see the true essence in all its glory, which will go on the offensive, accuse you of everything, even of having a lover of her own..(they say he is macho with him, I’m sure.. but with you I don’t feel reliably... Well, something like that) will offer you a divorce and, again, placing all the responsibility on you... try it. women of this type are accustomed to what you write about, and sex is like payment for a fur coat for help, etc... try to start depriving her gradually of what she is accustomed to from you and either she will realize or show her true essence.
- Igor
I'll comment:
In a relationship, it is important to state your needs directly and openly. This allows you to maintain trusting and emotionally close relationships, as well as create truly happy and harmonious relationships.
- this is a back-and-forth dialogue. the wife’s answer is something like: what’s unsatisfactory to you? I cook, wash, clean and work, what else do you want from me? did you decide to brainwash me and completely ruin my mood?It is important for you to formulate your needs, speak openly about them to your spouse, and convey that without satisfying these needs you will not be happy,
- I’m tired, I don’t like getting a divorce, and in general, stop making a monster out of me, I look bad in everything. That’s not true, it’s not true, I don’t drink, I don’t party until night, I don’t hang around with men, what else is wrong?Choose a special time to talk and think through everything you want to say to your wife. Talk openly about what you want to receive in a relationship. Ask about what she wants and what she lacks.
- answer, did you deliberately decide to pester me after work? I want to sit quietly in the kitchen and watch my seriesWork on maintaining a passionate relationship!
- yes guys, work. .. in one helmet. You won’t achieve anything anyway, you’ll just start to get even more upset.Not a single person who considers himself normal will go to a psychologist. yeah, now suggest it to the wife described above in addition to the above trolling... dear, let's go to a psychologist... you know the answer...
- Why are you still taking me for a fool?in general, guys, I don’t know the way out of this situation. But the situation is stalemate, it’s a pity that we got into this with you. but these tips don’t help... the princess needs to be returned to earth and back to the tower so that she has something to compare with at her leisure... or try to find an ally in the person of a person who is authoritative for her, that is, her mother. make friends with your mother and tell her all your feelings in the hope that the mother, as a greater authority for her, will straighten her brains out and she will come to her senses, but this is a paltry hope
- Elena
Exactly! I need to complain to my mother, her daughter is unreasonable and doesn’t want to have sex))))))))))
Here is the long-awaited day when you decided to unite your destinies. Most couples admit that their wedding was the happiest day of their lives. But time passes and you are at a loss: “We were so happy, what happened?”
Don't rush to give up on your marriage. Knowing how to improve your relationship with your wife, your marriage can bring many more bright and happy moments.
Treat each other with respect
Husband: “When Anya gets upset, she cries all the time. I try to talk to her, but she gets even more irritated. No matter what I do, nothing helps. I can not take it anymore".Wife: “When Vadim returned home, I was upset to the point of tears. I tried to explain everything to him, but he cut me off mid-sentence. He said I was exaggerating the problem. And this offended me even more.”
What happened to this couple? After all, they were both trying to find mutual understanding. Why didn't they succeed? Men and women each have their own needs, and they communicate differently. A woman never hides her feelings; she is inclined to talk about them. The man diligently avoids sharp corners, solving the problem as quickly as possible. In this way he wants to keep the peace. Understanding these differences is essential to making relationships work. Respect is key.
If you value and respect your wife, then you will try to understand her feelings. One woman shared: “My husband listens carefully to everyone who approaches him. I want him to show the same concern for me." . Discord most often occurs due to a lack of this quality.
Respecting a person means taking into account his opinion, not humiliating his self-esteem and treating him with kindness. Don't expect your opinions to agree on everything. This needs to be acknowledged. This is where respect is shown: to have your own point of view and respect it, and not ridicule someone else’s.
You need to be aware of the fact that your wife has her own emotional needs. And they need to be taken into account. By applying these tips, you can mend a damaged relationship. To do this, be patient; your wife will not immediately begin to trust you again. The wall of misunderstanding arises gradually, it is built from small unresolved difficulties and grievances. Your companion should see that you want to save the situation and that you are making every effort on your part. But be prepared to face difficulties too.
Difficulties and ways to overcome them
What obstacles might prevent you from building relationships?- Inability to control anger
- Wrong time to talk
- Inability to express one's thoughts
- Inability to listen
Husband:"Where is our daughter?"
Wife:“I went to buy myself some jeans.”.
Husband:(irritated) “She has nothing to wear? She bought them a month ago.".
Wife:(offended) “But from today the sale began, especially since I allowed it.”
Husband:(losing his temper) “Why didn’t you consult me?” .
- We gradually move on to the second point - the right time to talk.
To do this, ask your wife to choose a day at the end of each week to discuss everything. Find a time when both of you are not stressed.
“Can’t we do without any discussions, can we just hug, kiss and bring flowers?” - you ask. Hugs with flowers shouldn't be a quick fix. This should always be done. But without a confidential conversation, problems are not solved, they are only hushed up for a while, and then they come up again. Every undiscussed problem will eventually result in a scandal.
- Now we learn to speak correctly.
Words: “You constantly spend money without consulting me.” change to: “I hate that you don’t consult. I get the feeling that you are neglecting me." . Talk about your hurt feelings.
To think that a real man He keeps everything to himself - this is stereotypical thinking. It is correct to discuss the problem together. At the same time, remember to be respectful.
- Arrogance will not allow you to come to an understanding of how to improve your relationship with your wife..
If she says offensive things, try to hear the essence of the problem behind the emotional background. She may start screaming, calm her down and reassure her that you are listening to her carefully. Don’t twirl a pencil in your hands or look at your phone. Put everything aside, look her in the eyes and show concern.
Don't interrupt your wife, even if you don't agree with her. Then retell her thought in your own words. No smirking, sarcasm or hostility. Remember, no matter what tone your companion speaks, she is expressing her feelings. Your task is to hear it and take it into account.
To find a compromise
Now that you've both spoken, it's time to find solutions to the problem. On a piece of paper, write down all the possible options that can be done. Read this list again. And only after that, choose what would suit both of you.Don't forget that the solution you choose may not satisfy both of you equally. You will have to be flexible and accommodating.
As the head of the family, you can insist on your own, but won't this lead to disagreement? Give in to your wife, follow your common decision and agree to discuss in a week what results it brought. Perhaps your companion will agree that you were right and will willingly make concessions to you. Or you will see that her offer is better than you initially thought.
Summarize:
- Speak respectfully and without irritation
- Expressing your feelings rather than attacking
- Listening carefully
- Making concessions to each other,
- By joining forces to find a solution to the problem,
