Each of us at least once, but heard the phrase "My home is my fortress!". But, unfortunately, not everyone is given to consider their home as a fortress. Increasingly, another phrase began to flash in our lives, a terrible phrase that is fraught with great pain for those who not only had to face it by hearsay, it is - domestic violence.
Term "domestic violence" defines violence by one of the close people (relative) in relation to another, most often, this applies to married couples. It can be expressed as physically, psychologically, wear sexy character as well as economically. Often such violence is accompanied by violence against children. Today we will take a closer look at violence between married couples.
According to sociological data, the nature of domestic violence based on gender is more biased towards violence by men against women. And the famous phrase "Beats - it means loves!" long since lost its relevance. So what actions on the part of the husband (man) indicate domestic violence, and what can a woman do in this situation?
The woman is subjected to:
Physical abuse- direct or indirect impact, with the aim of causing physical harm: mutilation, grievous bodily harm, kicks, beatings, slaps, etc. This also includes corporal punishment for misconduct, failure to provide first aid, a ban on hygiene procedures (refusal to shower or toilet), coercion to use drugs or alcohol.
Sexual abuse- any coercive act of a sexual nature.
Psychological- humiliation, insult, blackmail, limiting the circle of contacts, etc.
economic violence- experiences control over the financial resources of the family, extortion, a ban on education or employment.
All these actions fully describe domestic violence, and in this situation the woman must protect herself. What can and should be done? Unfortunately, in Russia there is no separate law on the prevention of domestic violence. The state does not have the right to interfere in the private intra-family life at the stage before the commission of illegal actions in order to prevent them. And as you know, impunity is the main factor in the commission of violent acts. About 95% of cases of violence are repetitive. However, there are ways to deal with domestic violence. The most important thing is not to be afraid of the "victim" to ask for help.
So, if the husband beats - where to go and what to do?
The very first thing a woman should do is to apply personally to the police with a statement in two copies about the fact of committing violent acts or their direct threat. It is advisable to attach a certificate from medical institution about beatings. A copy of the application and the notification coupon, which the police officer must issue, must be kept with you. The following articles are most often used in situations of domestic violence:
- 111. Intentional infliction of severe bodily harm.
- 112. Deliberate infliction of moderate harm to health.
- 115. Intentional infliction of minor bodily harm.
- 116. Beating.
- 117. Torture.
- 119. Threat to kill or inflict grievous bodily harm.
Then, an official warning will be issued to the spouse, he will be registered and an appropriate card will be created. Naturally, in this situation, staying close to the "tyrant" becomes even more dangerous, so a woman needs to insure herself in advance - find a safe place to live, collect important documents, if possible, money, clothes, medicines. If there are no relatives who could help, you can contact specialized crisis centers for victims of domestic violence. There is an option to bypass the step with the police and immediately go to the court at the place of residence, moreover, you can not tell your new address. This practice exists, and the investigator, at the request of the woman, will not enter this data into the protocol.
How to get a certificate of abuse
First of all, if bodily injuries have taken place, the woman should fix them by contacting the emergency room. The doctor must describe in detail in the certificate the size, color, location and severity of each of the injuries. After that, the woman will be issued a certificate. Be sure to check whether the date of the examination is correct, whether the name of the doctor is indicated and whether the seal of the institution is worth it. It is also the duty of the doctor to transfer information about the beatings to the district police department, whose employees must send the woman for a forensic medical examination. The presentation of the results of which should also be carefully checked, because the article that the husband will receive will depend on this examination.
November 25 - International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women. It was on this day in 1961 in the Dominican Republic, on the orders of the ruler Rafael Trujillo, that the three Mirabal sisters Minerva, Patria Maria and Teresa were brutally murdered. The girls were members of the underground society "Group of July 14".
According to the UN, one in three women is the victim of rape or abuse at least once in their lives. Thousands of women are killed every year by family members in the name of "defence of honour".
Recently, there has been an unprecedented increase in violence against women and children in Afghanistan. According to the Independent Human Rights Commission, 2181 cases of violence against women were registered this year, which is 50% more than the same period last year.
The problem of domestic violence has reached pandemic proportions in Afghanistan. Every day, hundreds of Afghan women are beaten, forced to have sex, or otherwise abused by men. Almost every month, information leaks to the local media that another Afghan woman, driven to despair by violence, committed suicide by self-immolation or self-hanging.
In Russia, the problem of violence against women and children is no less acute. However, it is not customary in the country to talk about it, to turn to a psychologist for help, not to mention more radical methods of resistance, such as divorce, reporting to the police and depriving fighters of parental rights. This vicious circle can be broken. In such a situation, changing your life for the better is not easy, but quite real.
Who is guilty?
Often, women who are beaten by their husbands tend to blame themselves for everything. They are looking for many reasons why they cannot leave their husband - lack of money, housing, love for her husband. But there is really only one reason - such women do not love themselves. Therefore, trying to get away from a pugnacious husband, first of all, you should love yourself.
In such a situation, one should be aware of children who suffer from aggression, even if the parents never hit them. Children growing up in such families do not see another model of behavior - without fists. In the future, girls will not be able to be happily married, and boys from childhood worry that they are not able to protect their mother.
Psychological abuse
The law is always on the side of the injured party. According to Russian law, a domestic tyrant can receive up to two years in prison. In police slang, brawlers are called "kitchen boxers", by the way, outside their own home they rarely open their arms. Another thing is that courts in such cases are very rare. This step is decided by women who are harassed and threatened.
Often physical violence grows out of psychological violence. The obedience of a woman who agrees to everything just brings the torture to beatings. If a husband constantly criticizes his wife, screams and offends, this means that the woman is being emotionally abused. A husband can blame anything: he may not like that his wife is too fat or thin, stupid, smart, a bad mother, mistress or mistress.
In almost all cases, such "kitchen boxers" are very skillful in asking for forgiveness. It is worth noting that they are excellent actors. They repent, promise to change, they really want, but they are simply not ready to lose the victim - without a wife, they will not be able to assert themselves. A woman can become so accustomed to this role that it will be possible to change psychology only with the help of a specialist.
Psychological abuse
The child will also need the help of a psychologist. He must explain to him the roles of men and women in the family, give a healthy idea of \u200b\u200brelationships and responsibilities. You should not think that it is better for a child to grow up in a full-fledged family with a father who is prone to violence than with a single mother. The atmosphere of hatred and constant danger for the baby is much worse.
The fact is that a person prone to violence is like a drug addict. He also constantly needs to increase the dose. In the case of beatings, this is a complication of an already difficult relationship. If he hit with impunity once, this will definitely happen again, and therefore you should not believe the apology. It is also useless to defend yourself, it will only increase irritation.
Ignoring feelings, as well as the manifestation of inattention as a punishment, is also a manifestation of psychological violence. As well as ridiculing beliefs, moral principles, banning work, manipulating lies, ignoring relatives and friends and prohibiting communication with them, humiliation in the presence of strangers, threats to leave your wife or kick her out of the house and limit contact with children. At this stage, a psychologist can still help.
Physical violence
Physical abuse manifests itself in pushing, slapping, kicking, slapping, putting life at risk, throwing objects, restricting freedom of movement, locking at home, "forgetting" in dangerous places, refusing care for illness or injury, refusing to buy necessary things such as food , threats to harm relatives and friends.
Psychologists call the next stage of physical violence sexual. This is pathological jealousy and suspicions of infidelity, and compulsion to watch pornography, and even punishment by refusing to have sex. A man-rapist can force his wife to undress against her will, to have sexual relations against her will or with special cruelty.
There is also such a thing as economic violence. In this case, the husband may interfere with the ability to manage the family budget at his own discretion, take money, including from children.
Portrait of a "kitchen boxer"
A violent man has mental problems. The following signs may be their signs: he likes to give diminutive names to objects - a bed, a room, a kitchenette, and so on. He often changes intonations: just that he was nice, and then - a sharp cry, insults, and again a soft tone. His relationships with others are built on the model: "I'm good, everyone is bad." Often a potential domestic tyrant is very charming.
At the same time, beating men are divided into two categories according to the type of manifestation of their aggression. The most common type of behavior is "pit bull". During a quarrel, they become angrier, the scandal is crowned with an attack. This is how vicious dogs sort things out. It is these men who treat their wife like a thing. She is not interesting to him as a person, but necessary as a function.
Another, strikingly different type of behavior of "domestic" rapists - "cobras". They attack swiftly and unexpectedly, while remaining absolutely calm. During a quarrel, neither the pulse nor the pressure increase. When it comes to court, many of these men are diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder. In childhood, such boys could steal petty, lie, and treat animals cruelly.
Be that as it may, the psychology of hitting men, regardless of their subtype of behavior, is very different from the way a normal person thinks. He once had a turning point when he decided that it was possible to beat. In addition, he believes that a man is the main, strong one, and a woman should indulge him in every possible way.
Psychologists have established that a fighter is experiencing before beating. On the one hand, he understands that he is experiencing "non-male" emotions that conflict with his own attitudes about how he should act. a real man. Realizing what happened, he builds a chain of excuses, deciding for himself that his wife is to blame. Subconsciously, he understands that he is weak and vulnerable, which means that he must prove his strength and "masculinity."
An aggressive man becomes especially dangerous if he suspects a woman of leaving him. And it doesn't matter whether such suspicions are justified or not. Therefore, realizing his weakness, a man will not only become pathologically jealous, he will strive to dominate a woman. Unable to do this psychologically, he will begin to loosen his hands.
A person's tendency to violence is determined by several reasons: problems with behavior in adolescence, the manifestation of aggression in his family as a norm, cruel punishments in childhood, a head injury. However, even with these signs, a man can remain normal, but he can become a rapist without any reason. However, this behavior can be explained and, in some cases, even cured. There would be motivation and desire.
Cycles of violence
After a beating, there is always a period of reconciliation. Psychologists call this the cycle of violence. In the first stage, the pathological abuser is very annoyed, the tension grows, but the victim is still able to control the situation. Then comes the second - aggression gets an outlet. And then the third - the so-called "honeymoon". He asks for forgiveness, the wife gives in, and peace reigns in the family for a while. However, the woman is still to blame. This cycle cannot be interrupted.
At the beginning of a life together, a beating husband will surely prove himself by setting a distance between his wife and her entourage in every possible way. He does not like it when she communicates with someone without him, when she shares family problems with someone, he disrespectfully behaves with her relatives. However, the woman takes it in the order of things and believes that by protecting her loved ones, she betrays him.
Further, he inspires his wife with the idea that she is far from ideal, unlike him. He is always right, and therefore a woman should be grateful to him, because supposedly no one needs her and is not capable of anything, and he is forced to endure her like that.
Gradually, the woman becomes more and more dependent on the aggressive husband. The situation becomes more complicated during pregnancy and childbirth. The husband believes that his wife will endure everything for him, and where to go with a baby in her arms? He can intimidate that no one will love the child as much as he does, and in which case he will take the baby for himself. By the way, in life, immediately after the breakup, the fighter forgets about the child.
What to do?
According to psychologists, first of all, you need to learn to respect and love yourself, not to allow your husband to be humiliated and insulted in his address. This is difficult, so it is worthwhile to understand for yourself that when it comes to periodic humiliation, there can be no talk of any love - the husband simply does not respect his wife. He believes that she is present in his life only to serve. Sometimes, of course, he shows tenderness and care. In order for her to creep in front of him even more. It's sad and embarrassing, but it's true.
If the spouse began to beat, but not beat, it makes sense to resist him. He understands only the logic of the pack - whoever is stronger is right. If the woman is weaker, the aggression will continue. And behind it lies only weakness. If he beats you, you have to leave. Nothing to help now.
Leave quietly and quickly. No one should know about this intention. If the torturer finds out about this, it will be even worse. If the husband started beating again, you have to run to the playground, knock on the neighbors. By the way, neighbors can become witnesses in the police, even if they cannot help in any way.
It is necessary to leave when the husband is not at home, taking with him money, documents, things necessary for himself and the child, jewelry. Of course, the husband will ask for forgiveness and persuade him to return. He even starts courting, if it doesn’t work - threaten again. The only thing you can do is stop all communication with him. If you return, then family reunification will turn into a punishment for leaving.
There are several reasons why women return to their abusive husbands. This is material dependence, again aggression, with the help of which wives give themselves back, threats and, oddly enough, passionate love. Most of the time it's just habit. To avoid this, it is important to contact a specialized center for assistance to victims of domestic violence immediately after leaving the family.
Also, after leaving, you should go to the emergency room to remove the beatings. Next, you need to write a statement to the district police officer and indicate the witnesses. The district police officer will send for a forensic examination, and it is worth bringing all the documents from the emergency room there.
If the report of the forensic examination indicates "medium-gravity bodily injury" or more, the torturer can be brought to criminal proceedings. With minor injuries, you can also go to court, but this will not entail criminal liability. By the way, without the presence of witnesses, the case will not proceed.
Statistics say that the most common cause female injuries - beating by constant partners, and the probability of dying at the hands of a stranger is much lower than from one's own husband. Domestic violence does not depend on the level of education, wealth, profession, religion and nationality. Physical violence is the most shocking factor compared to other crimes against the person.
The material was prepared by the editors of rian.ru based on information from RIA Novosti and open sources
On the example of this life story, one can trace a fairly typical pattern of how a woman gets into a situation of domestic violence and what happens to her next. Here you can see all the mistakes made by women who become victims of a domestic tyrant and remain in destructive relationships. After the story, we will analyze 10 mistakes women make in relationships and how to avoid these mistakes.
It can't go on like this anymore...
I want to tell my story and ask for some help to understand it, because can't go on like this anymore... I'm 22, he's 26. We're not married, we've been living with him for half a year, we've been together for a year. At first everything was fine, but there were bells. I didn't pay much attention to them. When we met, I was depressed because of the prevailing circumstances of my life before him - apparently, I became weak and therefore it turned out what is happening now with him. Or maybe he is just such a person ... Well, or all together.
When he hit me for the first time, I did not attach much importance (it was a slap in the face). We didn't live then, we just met. Then, 2 months later, while swearing, he twisted my arm and broke it, I walked for 2 months with a cast (this is very uncomfortable). In the end, I forgave, because it was an accident (not on purpose). Then there was, as it were, a lull without assault.
And in the summer, he began to beat me hard with his fists until bruises. All this became more frequent after I was in the social. networks wrote ex-boyfriend and I answered him. I know I may be wrong, but that's just not possible! I blocked the former, and then I was completely forbidden to communicate with everyone, even with my last girlfriend - everyone was deleted everywhere. It happens, of course, that he is good, and this, perhaps, holds me. Or maybe I'm just addicted to it? After all, there are more moments when I hate him!
I hate that he kicks me out, shouting all sorts of nasty things at me. And then, when I leave, he comes for me at the same hour and asks me to come back. Pure bullying! It was that I wanted to go to another city to my father, but he was right there - he climbed into the train and swore he asked me not to leave, he even cried. I stayed - and a fool! Nothing has changed, if only for a while, not for long :)
I thought it was a matter of distrust ... We even agreed on a detector (for treason), which I successfully passed. But he still doesn't believe me! He constantly scoffs, finds fault with everything, where there is even nothing. I am constantly stressed. He controls everything, always call him - where did you go, why and what are you doing. He can lock it up, and it doesn’t matter to him what I need for my business ...
If you ask him not to close it, he will hit his head with his fists, you cry from pain, and he knocks again ... Maybe even in the morning. For example, this is already the 2nd day and this is happening - he goes to work, beats me and locks me up, but I need to go to the clinic. And yesterday I kicked it out again. I’m already standing near the threshold with the bags, and he takes it and starts tearing them up and asking if I want to leave, as if he doesn’t want to. I say no, but he screams that in a week I will crawl to him, although I said that I don’t want to.
Now he called - he says he went too far with his fists, it will not happen again. Is he bullying? And so constantly ... I'm tired, my grandmother tells me that I already have a bad appearance. I have somewhere to go ... But I can’t, because he will call again and ask to return, and I will melt again and go, because he was once normal, and I want to believe in it. But apparently all in vain. I do not know what to do. They treat me like a dog...
Alexandra
Undoubtedly, the man in this story is typical, and the relationship is destructive, dangerous to the life and health of a woman. Alexandra has somewhere to go, she is not kept by children or material dependence, even a divorce is not needed. But she does not leave him ... Why? Something hinders her in herself and makes her related to thousands of sisters in misfortune. I propose to consider these mistakes of women in relations with a tyrant. What should a woman do or not do to avoid becoming a victim of domestic violence?
Mistakes women make in destructive relationships
1. Hasty decision and relationship as a salvation from problems
Alexandra writes that when they met, she was in a weak state. Yes, there are periods in life when we are "not on horseback" and need someone's moral support - this is quite normal. It is sad that tyrants often take advantage of this. It's so easy to win over a person, showing sympathy when he feels bad, providing some kind of support, even insignificant! And if a weak state is associated with a drop in self-esteem after an unsuccessful relationship, then the signs of attention of a new boyfriend become a saving signal for a woman that she may be “needed” and loved by someone else.
How to avoid mistakes?
You should not trust your feelings and assessment of a new partner when you are "in a weak state." Do not confuse your gratitude for support and a pleasant feeling of "need" with love. The fact that a person has helped you now does not mean that you need him for the rest of your life. This does not mean that he really loves and cares for you. First, return to the “strong” state, and then see if this person is yours and how he really relates to you.
2. The woman misses the "wake-up calls"
A woman tries not to notice the roughness in the relationship that alarms her. She wants to believe that “this is an accident”, it “seemed” to her, this is “lapping”, “co time will pass"... And all because she needs a relationship and enjoys signs of attention. She really doesn’t want to, and nobody needs it, and at the same time it’s hard to refuse pleasant courtship ... She really wants to believe that the search is over, she finally found her “half” - this is love.
How to avoid mistakes?
If you want to connect your life with a person seriously, you should not be led by emotions. It is precisely the fact that a woman prioritizes her fears and pleasant sensations, agreeing to sacrifice more serious things (dignity, freedom and security) for their sake, that makes her a convenient victim of a tyrant. To avoid this mistake, it is worth understanding your value system - what is important and what is secondary. It's like with a diet - which is more important: a pie tonight or slim figure to summer?
3. A woman does not attach importance to the first manifestations of physical violence.
She forgave a slap and even a broken arm, because “accidentally”?! This is how you can twist your hand inadvertently, I wonder? Did he not expect such a result? And the very fact of using physical force against a woman is acceptable and normal, isn’t it?!
Where is the mistake? Even if a man does not directly raise his hand at you, but only swings, throws some objects at you (even small ones, yes) in a quarrel, or simply throws and breaks things out of spite - this is a very alarming sign! If a woman does not attach importance to such “little things” or justifies them with his “character”, her “sins” or “accident”, she is most likely already in a destructive relationship.
How to avoid mistakes?
Remember that such behavior sooner or later inevitably turns into beatings. Turning a blind eye to this is naive! And if there was a slap in the face, then everything has already begun! A subject with such impulsive behavior is not an option for a normal relationship. He doesn't have an inner prohibition against violence, and you can't change that. Decide for yourself that at the first such manifestations you leave - no options! Even if he is the crown prince and carries you in his arms between slaps.
4. Allow encroachments on their privacy and freedom
This applies to such “ordinary” things as “requests” not to communicate with friends or leave social networks, reading your personal correspondence, demanding reports on every minute given separately from him, dictating what to wear and what not ... The list is endless, but the essence is the same - a man is trying to take control of your life and personality, behaves like authoritarian parents with a child. And you recognize the "legitimacy" of such control, .
And it doesn’t matter how the woman explains it: by his “injuries” from a past life, thanks to which such behavior is understandable and excusable, by her wrongness and guilt for the whole past personal life, the peculiarities of his character - such as he "needs" to control, even jealousy for love manages to accept ... Normal people respect the boundaries of the partner's personality, his freedom and the right to be himself. Normal relationships are also impossible without trust - and it should be right away. Trust can be deepened, it cannot be created out of nothing.
How to avoid mistakes?
If a man violates your personal boundaries, trying to change something in your life that does not concern him (relationships with friends or parents, your work, studies, hobbies, appearance), shows jealousy, begins to restrict you in clothing, movement, communication, tries forbid Whatever it is for you force do something, do something requires, forces you to "prove" your love, educates or corrects you is one of the undoubted signs of a domestic tyrant. This person - rapist. Run without thinking and without looking back! Only destructive relationships await you with him!
5. A woman obeys demands, obeys prohibitions, admits her guilt, tries to “correct”
This begins the destruction of her self-esteem and personality. As a rule, a woman calls it "working on relationships" or "working on yourself for the sake of relationships." She also thinks that with her gentleness and pliability she can heal his injuries, show herself and thereby earn his love, become the only one for him. He believes that then he will turn from a monster into a prince, as in the fairy tale Scarlet Flower, appreciate and love her ...
But in reality, everything happens the other way around. Encountering no resistance, the monster loosens its belt more and more, and more and more does not love, but despises its victim for its softness. And the more you go along with the rapist and "bend", the further he goes - this is the law. In principle, a tyrant is not capable of love, he can only become attached to the victim, or rather, to the pleasure of torturing her. His goal is self-affirmation, for which he seeks to break and subjugate you completely, to deprive you of your will, freedom, self-respect, your Self.
How to avoid mistakes?
Any concessions in a relationship should be, firstly, mutual, and secondly, not touch personal territory. That is, we can ask another not to inconvenience us by saying About Me, but we have no right to ask him to change himself to please us, as well as to make him responsible for our condition. If your partner does this, he is wrong.
In a relationship, you need to defend your boundaries, clearly denoting them. Until you identify them, the partner may not be aware of their existence. So maybe all is not lost? - It's easy to check, just without taking accusations, prohibitions, encroachments on control and correction of you: turn into a joke, ignore, directly say that this is your territory and not his business ... Not to accept is not just not to obey, for example, but to express bewilderment at the very fact that you "obedience" is expected.
If a person is adequate, then he will apologize and will continue to try not to violate your boundaries. If he begins to insist on his own, manipulating relationships in any form (offended, puffed up, download the rights of the “head”, refer to “love”, threaten to break up or try to “teach you a lesson”), then, as a person, you are not for him are important, but only self-assertion at your expense is important. This is exactly what you wanted from a relationship with loved one?
6. Tries to negotiate with him, appeal to conscience, pity, justice
The woman hopes that normal human feelings will wake up in him and refuses to believe that they may not exist. This can be understood, because it is really difficult to admit that there are unscrupulous "non-humans". But they are, alas. If a person allows himself violence in any form, treats you “like a dog”, ignores your feelings, insults, humiliates, etc., then it will not work to transfer relations with him to another level - no way! Either you can negotiate with a person, or not - this is a constant.
How to avoid mistakes?
Whatever he says, stop blaming myself behind his behavior - an adult is responsible for himself. You have absolutely nothing to do with it - he was like that long before you, and now he only shows qualities that he initially held back. If he does not have a human attitude towards you, conscience, pity, compassion, then it will always be so. No hope! He's just a moral freak - and there's no way you can change that. Accept this fact and leave if you don't want to get into a destructive relationship.
7. Believes in his apologies and promises to improve
The tyrant's apologies and promises are worthless, no matter how sincere they may look. This is just part of his game - apologizing, he reassures himself that he is not quite a "goat", but, as it were, has a conscience, and at the same time he is convinced that such behavior is permissible, since a woman forgives. He even checks her in this way - will he forgive or not?
Normal people also make mistakes and apologize, but they take responsibility for their actions and correct themselves after apologizing. The tyrant, apologizing, does not forget to make the partner guilty for what he did (in any form: from “you provoked me” to “I lose my head with you, I’m not myself”). And promising to improve, he does not forget to put a condition: "this will not happen again if you do not provoke me." Of course, these conditions are impossible, because only he decides what will provoke him next time :)
How to avoid mistakes?
Do not believe in empty promises - only actions! No, he will not change, and if you forgive him, he will move on. Your position must be firm. Can you give him one a chance, if you really want to, but strictly prescribing the conditions. Depending on what you are talking about, either: first fix yourself, and then renew the relationship, or: if this happens 1 more time, you won't see me again(and be ready to do it!).
8. Or maybe I'm just addicted to him?
Recognition of one's addiction is a key moment that can be traced in almost every case of domestic violence. It happens, of course, that he is good, and this may be holding me ... The issue of dependency deserves a separate discussion. In short, I can say that this dependence does not have . A woman is not dependent on him, but on her fear of being alone and the desire to receive those signs of attention that he sometimes provides.
How to avoid mistakes?
Answer the question for yourself: are the fears and hopes for dubious pleasures worth the violence that you endure for them? Even if you answer “yes”, then take into account that over time, the periods of his “goodness” will be reduced to zero, and aggression will increase - for sure! You yourself can already see that despite the promises, he is progressing in tyranny by leaps and bounds. This is also shown by the stories of other women with the same ones.
Also ask yourself: Why are you making yourself a victim of your addiction? After all, it's just that the mistress is you yourself! And in general, addiction is a pathology, something that needs to be fought, and not surrendered to it, secretly considering it a sign. Remember how you lived before meeting this fatal character? Your life did not begin from the moment you met him, before him you had interests and joys - and you can return to this previous page, continuing to live without him.
9. Afraid of their weakness to succumb to his persuasion
He will call again and ask to return, and again I will melt and go. It does not “by itself” happen to you, against your will. To “melt” or not is entirely up to you. If you yourself take solid decision believe no more, melt away and return, then no one and nothing can force you to do it.
How to avoid mistakes?
If you believe and come back, it means that you have reasons to support this, and you have not finally made the decision to leave. So, you need to sort out your head. To deal, first of all, not even with false hopes, but with your fears and desire for “necessity”, because it is they that give rise to hopes. And make a firm decision.
To avoid the persuasion of the tyrant, which you are afraid to succumb to, as well as to minimize persecution, it is best, after parting, to simply stop all contact with him. This means: do not pick up the phone, do not answer sms and any messages from him, do not see or hear him anywhere. As if he is not in the world - you broke up, which means that for you he is no more. Of course, we are only talking about a tyrant here - with a normal person after parting, you can remain friends.
10. Hope that he will change, everything will work out
Advice not to expect that a partner can change in the direction you want has already become a commonplace. However, many women continue to stubbornly believe that they can change him, or he himself will change under their influence or by some miracle. They even manage to make plans for life with a person, taking into account his future changes, as if they simply had to happen! At the same time, his negative and dangerous traits are ignored as a misunderstanding, on the basis that "at first everything was fine," and the woman believes that this can return.
At first, everything is always good, because a person does not appear immediately, especially from the worst side - such is the logic of the development of any relationship. But if a person shows aggression, control and other violence towards you, this is not an accident, but his character, due to it life position. Over time, these features do not go away, but on the contrary, they get worse.
How to avoid mistakes?
If you fundamentally do not like some character traits of a partner, his attitude towards you, then you should not associate your life with him. And when deciding to stay with him, we accept him with all the shortcomings and agree with his attitude that we have. It is fair to yourself and to him. All other considerations are from the evil one, and if you caught yourself on them, then it is better to face the truth and deal with those “cockroaches” that give rise to false hopes and ignorance of reality. If you are unhappy with a man and even hate him - why live with it?
Alexandra, you don’t and can’t have any hope that everything will get better, that he will become “normal”. Everything will only get worse with him, believe me! Are you ready to live with him on such terms? You are lucky that the relationship still does not last long, and nothing holds you. Staying with him is only your decision, which you make freely. And only you can make the decision to leave it. Everything here depends on you!
To go to another city to my parents, I think - perfect option. And only then, when you are safe, you can deal with your thoughts and feelings. Of course, you need a serious revision of priorities, outlook on life and relationships, you need work to increase self-esteem and get rid of. This will help alleviate suffering after a breakup, and most importantly, avoid destructive relationships in the future. If it is difficult to cope with this on your own, contact me - I will help.
I sincerely wish you to get out of the networks of domestic violence and start a new one, happy life! Remember that what happened is only yours. mistake in choosing a partner out of inexperience, you are not to blame either for the fact that he is like that, or for not seeing the tyrant. But now you will be sharper! I wish the same to everyone who had the misfortune to get into a destructive relationship with a domestic tyrant! Subscribe for new life stories.
© Nadezhda Dyachenko
Violence in the family, which can also be called domestic or domestic violence, is acts of aggression that have a system and character of growth, which are committed by a family member (less often, several family members), and which are directed at one or other relatives of this family. Such an aggressive act can have various manifestations: physical, psychological, sexual or economic.
However, they all serve the same purpose - to gain control over another or others, to force them to obey, even to the detriment of personal interests. It is not correct to say that domestic violence is only the problem of a subordinate woman. According to research data, domestic violence most often affects children, and then women. In addition, this type of violence includes acts of aggression towards domestic animals. And the American Association for the Defense of Gender Equality notes that the percentage of men reporting domestic violence against themselves is growing every year.
Reasons for domestic violence
The cause of domestic violence is always the personality of the aggressor, his internal problems. Sometimes, the reason for this is a feeling of inferiority, an unprocessed resentment. That is why the situation is so difficult to resolve. After all, you need to start with the problems of the tyrant himself, and he is not too in a hurry to make contact. By the way, this also includes the learned principles of behavior in the family, when the child himself turns into a tyrant.
Alcohol, drugs and bad financial situation are only exacerbating factors. A study has been conducted that male alcoholics who beat women stop doing it only in 10% of cases, getting rid of alcohol addiction. Others continue their violence while completely sober.
To present the picture in more detail, let's focus on the subtypes of domestic violence.
Main subtypes of domestic violence
The problems of recognizing domestic violence in our country are inextricably linked with culture and mentality. Let us turn at least to the proverbs: “he who hits, he loves”; "darlings scold - they only amuse themselves." An additional hindrance is the fact that our people are not used to going to a psychologist for help. And, if the victim of domestic violence submits some kind of application, then, returning home, he again comes under pressure and, having no psychological support, can no longer resist and takes the papers. And law enforcement agencies, knowing this situation, are in no hurry to take any action. 
Another important factor, already from the point of view of gender-based domestic violence, is the socially determined importance of a woman in our country to have the status of “married”. Although not only the status. The whole culture cultivates the importance of such relationships, and sometimes it is difficult for a woman to admit, first of all, to herself, that her beloved is a real despot and rapist.
Signs that a woman is living with a tyrant
- a man puts you in a uniquely dependent financial position;
- makes constant remarks, evil notices the “truth” about your appearance: thick legs, flat chest ... At the same time, he claims that he makes such “tips” with the aim of “self-improvement”;
- constantly inspires a sense of guilt: she cooked it wrong, served it, looked at it, met it, etc. while he (your tyrant) was just tormented at work / only went home / dreamed of seeing a normal house, but here everything is not so ...;
- humiliates the dignity of both yours and women in general, has a negative attitude towards relatives and criticizes friends in every possible way, classifying them as “unworthy and rustic”. The main purpose of this is to protect you from people who can help you and influence your self-esteem. By the way, when you start dating a man, pay attention to how he speaks about his previous women. If he willingly and without your questions begins to discuss all their shortcomings, do not expect him to be generous to your even the smallest shortcomings;
- jealous, often harsh and unreasonable, in some cases - forbids wearing makeup, smiling in public, talking with others;
- feels fury at your successes, tries to ridicule and reduce them;
- takes out his “bad mood” and problems at work on you;
- never admit he was wrong! Even if the tyrant is not right, then it was his wife who brought him to this, even to beatings and scandals.
If the description is painfully familiar, and more than five statements are fully consistent with your spouse, then you have a tyrant. And don't be fooled by illusions.
Common myths about relationships with a tyrant.
- "Love will change everything." Alas, this is not about such a person, because he loves only himself. He will never appreciate your sacrifice. For him, you are a “stupid sheep” who is lucky to be allowed to love a “lion”.
- “A woman is supposed to endure for the sake of her family.” There are women who are comfortable in the role of "eternal victim" and this is their choice and the topic of another conversation. If you are not one of them, then remember - you have one life and only you decide what it will be.
- “A child needs a father, but we have a family.” This is the absolute truth. But, the family is an example for children to follow. Tell me, would you like your daughter to find the same tyrant? Did the boys, swallowing tears in childhood and saying that “they will never raise a hand against a woman”, find their new sophisticated ways of bullying?
child abuse
The concept of domestic violence against children is very complex. On the one hand, some countries in Europe, the USA and Canada have long been faced with the fact of manipulation of this rule of law. Children begin to invent fables, taking offense at their parents because of depriving them of the opportunity to play computer games for hours, for example.
On the other hand, a child often cannot convey the facts of the most serious and terrible things that have been committed against him, because they do not know how and where to turn or because they are afraid of physical violence.
The State Duma revised the article, which dealt with domestic violence. And the article of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation of 2017 (No. 116) excluded “beatings against close persons” from the number of criminal offenses, providing for administrative liability. As an exception, cases of relapses and serious bodily injuries can be considered. Such amendments caused diametrically opposite reactions. Glad are those who feared that any bruise on the body of a child could be used to the detriment of his parents. Others, following the example of the Council of Europe, argue that Russia has allowed "to fight with impunity in the family." Psychologists voice facts showing that a decrease in the degree of responsibility leads to an increase in such cases. But, it is important not so much to pass the law as to monitor its observance. And, according to statistical studies, he actually did not work.
The topic of domestic violence against children runs like a red thread in many foreign films. Most often, they show how such events affect the psyche and actually affect the rest of their lives. The famous "Forest Gump" touches on the story of Forest's girlfriend, whose life difficulties are connected with sexual abuse by her father. The film "Treasure" (2009 release), touches on the topic not only of such violence, but also the psychology of the mother, who prefers to close her eyes to what is happening in order to maintain a relationship with her partner.
But one of the most tragic films on this subject is the drama "Purple Blossom" (translated as "Purple Flowers of the Fields"). It touches not only the problem of violence, but also the usual reaction of society to such victims: indifference, misunderstanding, and sometimes open intolerance.
What to do if you are experiencing domestic violence?
- Don't be silent. You should decide to ask for help.
- If you decide to leave, never come back. Rapists simply need their victim. Moreover, many perceive the victim as part of their property. They are ready to do everything to bring her back, even to convince them that they will improve. But, according to statistics, those who return are subject to “punishment”: many are seriously injured, and some even die.
- Analyze why it happened to you, what attracted the tyrant in you so much. A psychologist or psychotherapist will help you figure this out. Because often the problem takes the form of a vicious circle: having left one despot, a woman finds another.
- Contact law enforcement agencies, close people. Who can help you, to a psychologist or psychotherapist who can conduct high-quality rehabilitation.
- Contact the support group. They come to those who have also experienced similar violence. Such groups in your city can be found using the Internet.
- Contact a lawyer to defend your rights in the event of a divorce.
Additional attention deserves the topic of domestic violence experienced by men in their families. Gender equality advocates point to the fact that men often experience such violence without even realizing that they are victims of it. In particular, acts of such domestic violence include: constant quarrels initiated by women (including periods of hormonal fluctuations), the inability to fully relax, the need to hide part of the income in order to be able to use it at one’s discretion, and even the long stay of the wife’s parents in home. I wonder how to regard the cohabitation of several generations in one living space?
Today she did not add salt to her soup, yesterday she brightly painted her lips, and last month she was late at work for two hours ... Even if you follow all the orders, stop communicating with your friends, parents and slide around the apartment like a pale shadow, this woman cannot avoid domestic violence.
What is the bad character of the husband? Unfortunate fate? The reason for violence lies in the internal psychological states of the husband and the woman herself.
Concrete cubes of high-rise buildings coldly reflect glass, protecting privacy. Each block of apartments has its own secret. Domestic violence against women is almost a taboo subject. Women try not to advertise such relationships, children are afraid to talk about it ...
Violence is a reflection of the swamp of the soul
Domestic violence for this woman is familiar, like borscht for lunch, but always shockingly scary, like the first time her beloved husband raised his hand against her.
Today she didn't finish the soup, yesterday she put on bright lipstick, and last month she was late at work for two hours. The list of unacceptable acts is growing, the psychological pressure is growing. Even if you follow all orders, stop communicating with girlfriends, parents and slide around the apartment like a pale shadow, this woman cannot avoid domestic violence.
What is the bad character of the husband? Unfortunate fate? The reason for violence lies in the internal psychological states of the husband and the woman herself.
Not every woman experiences domestic violence. This tragic scenario develops only if each partner has certain properties given by nature.
Causes of domestic violence - an unsuccessful wife or a bad husband?
She married Dr. Jekyll, but is regularly abused by Mr. Hyde. Children every day fearfully await the return of their father. Lessons learned perfectly, there is not a speck of dust in the house, the soup recipe is rechecked with all care. But late at night, a stern husband and father enters, the reason for discontent is found, and again there is no protection and nowhere to hide from his heavy hand.
Each person is created according to the principle of pleasure. He applies his properties and receives joy, satisfaction from this. But when innate properties do not find realization, voids arise, so-called frustrations, a person feels unhappy. The system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan explains what the features of the manifestation of frustrations in each are connected with.
The article was written based on the materials of the training " System-Vector Psychology»
