Divorce is the worst word for a family. And especially when there are children in it, and it doesn’t really matter what age they are. You should not think that only spouses are hurt, because the child experiences stronger emotions. Therefore, it is extremely important to prepare in advance for such an important conversation with your child.
You need to know how to tell children about divorce. You can use the advice of a psychologist, read the necessary literature. The conversation about divorce is remembered by the child for life, so it is important that the process of family breakup does not leave a heavy imprint on the child's psyche.
Setting the stage for conversation
The family through the eyes of a child is a single whole, and it will be extremely difficult for a baby or teenager to imagine it differently. Unfortunately, a painless divorce method has not yet been invented. But you can "smooth the corners" and injure the child's psyche less. To do this, you need to know a few important rules on how to properly tell your child about a divorce. We will consider them now.
When the issue of divorce is resolved by 100%, then you need to prepare the ground for communication. Do not put off a difficult conversation on the back burner. It will be much worse if someone else informs the child about this, and not the parents. And what is even worse, the teenager himself will guess, will begin to blame himself and close. And then the conversation can be simply fruitless.
It is necessary to choose a completely free day for communication. And do it not a day before the divorce, but at least two weeks before. The child will definitely have questions, he may burst into tears, try to return everything back. He may begin to blame himself and promise to improve. It is necessary to let the baby (teenager) get used to this news. At this time, there should be no swearing and showdown in the family. Parents should deal with each other in private.
Joint conversation
Adults need to know how to start a conversation with a child. The interview must be conducted by both parents. If mom and dad talk together, it will be easier for the baby to learn the information. He will still consider himself in the circle of a full-fledged family and safe. So the information is absorbed much better. During the conversation, and even then, you do not need to show your emotions to each other in front of children. It is necessary to behave with restraint, without excessive anger. In a conversation, submit information as a joint decision. It must be remembered that this is a conversation for the child, and not a clarification of grievances and relationships. As a result of the conversation, he must understand one thing: he is loved and not to blame for the separation of his parents. That everything will remain the same. Mom definitely needs to know how to explain to the child that dad does not live with us, and that now he lives separately. I must say that the circumstances just happened, so dad needs to move.
Children with a difference in age of several years
If there is more than one child in the family, and the difference between them is large, what should I do? How to tell children about divorce in this case? It's best to talk to each one individually. Since an older child understands everything better and can react more impulsively. With younger children, the conversation will be much easier. It is possible that the conversation will be repeated as they grow older. In no case should anyone be blamed for the divorce. Children need to see that their parents are on good terms.
A simple form of communication and explanation of the reason for what happened
The conversation should be simple and understandable to the child. Whether the baby should know the reason for the divorce depends on the age and the reason itself. For example, if one of the parents drinks a lot, then everything will become clear on its own. But if the matter is in treason, then you can keep silent about it. Otherwise, the child will blame the parent who committed it. If the child is no longer small and he himself guesses the reason, then you need to submit it so that he still loves mom and dad equally. But you need to tell the truth right away. Cheating will only make things worse. During the conversation, you should not go into swearing among yourself, at this moment the conversation should be devoted only to the child.
After the conversation, the children should understand that basically nothing will change. Mom and dad love them. What about birthdays, and major holidays, they will also come together. Dad will walk with them, play, pick up from the kindergarten. The only thing that will change is that he will live separately.
What should the child understand?
The main thing that the child should learn from the conversation:
- After the divorce, mom and dad will be better, it just so happened.
- The fact that the parents get divorced will not affect their love for the child. Everything will remain the same.
- Communication with grandparents on my father's side will not stop. Everything will remain as it was.
- Parents will live separately, but now the child will have two houses at once, where they will wait and love him.
- There are no guilty parties in a divorce, neither dad, nor mother, nor baby. It so happened. It happens sometimes.
After such a conversation, the child should still love both parents equally. It should not be that he loves his mother more than his father. That mother's parents are better, and father's attitude towards the child has become worse.
Invalid words and actions
Note that there are words, actions that are unacceptable during a divorce. They can injure the fragile psyche of the child. If friendly relations have not been preserved between the parents, then the child should not know about it. With him, it is desirable to behave in a friendly way. If one of the parents loses his temper during a conversation, then the second should soften the situation. Do not forget, the child is even harder. You can even reschedule the conversation.
Psychologists give the following advice:
- When it is decided that there will be a divorce and that's it, the child must understand that the parents will not get back together. You can’t give him hope that maybe we will still be a full-fledged family again, but for now we’ll take a break from each other.
- You can not humiliate and insult your spouse in front of children. To them, you are friends.
- When talking, try not to say that you have fallen out of love with each other. Better to find another reason. Otherwise, the baby may decide that they can stop loving him too. And he will live in constant fear of being completely alone and of no use to anyone.
- Do not force the child to choose one of the parents. Bribe his love with toys and entertainment. For a full psychological development, a child simply needs two parents. Even if they don't live together.
- When communicating with a child, it is not necessary to talk about the bad sides of the former spouse. Children do not need to know this.
- Children should not participate in the divorce process itself, you need to protect him from this. Of course, if the court does not require it.
- Do not constantly tell your child about the upcoming divorce. For example, how good it was, and how scary what will happen next.
- You can’t ask children which parent they love more, more.
- The child should receive the same love as before. He should not be an intermediary for parents who do not want to communicate with each other.
- Divorce cannot be smoothed over in front of the baby with expensive toys, or allow what was previously prohibited. It won't bring back the loss of a lost family.
To properly approach a conversation with a child about divorce, you need to put yourself in his place. The kid, no matter how correctly the conversation is built, it will still be hard to realize that the parents are no longer together. And he will try with all his might to reunite the family. And this applies to children of all ages, even thirties. Divorce is always painful. It’s just that older children can understand adults and it’s easier for them to explain the reason.
Features of conversation with children under seven years of age
With children under three years old, you can do without talking about divorce. But be sure to answer the question, where is dad / mom? Over time, the child will get used to the fact that one of the parents no longer lives nearby.
Children from three to seven years old already understand that something is wrong in the family. At this age, babies are strongly attached to both parents. Therefore, an extremely delicate discussion is needed here. Many parents are at a loss as to how to talk to a small child about a divorce. At first, the baby may begin to urinate, sleep poorly, behave capriciously, try to attract the attention of both parents. It is hard for a child to realize that dad came only for a walk, to play, or to go to the store for a toy. When parting, there may be whims, tears. The parent with whom the baby stayed needs to control the behavior of the child. Sometimes you can't do without the help of a specialist.
Features of conversation with children from seven to fourteen years old
Children from seven to eleven years of age do not experience divorce so emotionally. Most warm themselves with the hope that their parents will get back together. There is no need to give rise to this hope, the child must realize that the separation of mom and dad happened forever. The kid will need to be helped to get used to the fact that the father will now come for a while to chat with him.
How to tell children about divorce between the ages of eleven and fourteen? During this period, the child is already beginning to take a sober look at life. And if the kid knows that the reason for the divorce was drunkenness, treason, then he can take the side of only one parent, with whom he stayed. It’s better for him to make it clear that dad is still good, that you can’t turn away from him, because he loves him.
Teenager and divorce
It can be more difficult for a teenager to talk about a divorce than for a baby. Since at this age he begins to form as a person. And the separation of parents can cause serious injury. It is at this age that the mother should know how to tell the child the truth about the reason for the separation.
He can withdraw into himself even during the initial conversation, even if the conversation was built correctly. It is necessary to give the child a chance to get used to and gradually communicate with him. But not intrusively, but when he has questions or a desire to talk.
What to do next?
If a family is going through a divorce, then the exact reaction of the child cannot be predicted. Each baby is a separate person. Some may react calmly, and cry into the pillow at night. And there are also such children that they themselves become a support for their mother, and help them survive a divorce. And it is right. The child needs to feel needed. You can even ask the mother herself to be a support for the baby, saying that without his help it will be hard for her.
The most important thing is that at this time you should not make any other important life changes. For example, moving to another city. The child should have at least some constancy, for example, school, kindergarten. It is better to wait with changes in life. Do not rush to introduce the baby to the new dad. You need to let the child get used to it. At first, try to pay more attention to the baby. Sometimes it is enough to increase the walking time by half an hour.
Conclusion
It turns out that a child can survive the separation of his parents less painfully if you know how to tell children about divorce correctly. So it all depends on the parents. There is no painless divorce. If parents doubt their ability to tell the baby everything well, you can ask a psychologist for help, read literature. But the main thing is to help the child quickly get used to a new life, which can even become better than it was.
